This Just In: Exercise Is Good For You

If you're any regular reader of this here productivity wormhole of a blog, you're keenly aware of one thing: until very recently, I felt like total shit for about 2 years. Primarily work-induced.

But, things are getting better, at a steady clip. I have to admit. At the rate I'm going, I might have to rename this site to Dispatches From the Fuzzy Bunny-Shaped Pink Cloud or something.

Before this 2 year period fugue, I was pretty healthy, went to the gym, ate right, the whole nine. Once the aforementioned work stress kicked in though, this not only faded from my life, but eventually did a 180 degree turnaround. Lately I look like Quentin Tarantino's little brother who rides the short bus, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

I recently decided I didn't fee like buying a larger waste size on any more pants though, and now I'm determined to get back in the swing of things. I went to the gym today!

I ran 3 miles. My face turned as red as George Bush's underpants, but I did it. Granted, I used to run 3 miles or more with no problem, but hey, baby steps, right?

Don't tell anyone, but I also want to trim back my drinking. Nothing drastic, but cutting back some, perhaps to the level most people function at, instead of John Belushi's understudy or something.

My goal is to trim up and drop some LB's (that's pounds) by the end of summer. If I can accomplish that, I'm going to reward myself with something I've wanted for a long time, but never got around to: A TATTOO! (More on that story as it develops.)

Time will tell. But as of this post, I'm serious about this.

I promise tomorrow's post will be really dumb and silly to make up for this one.

Here's a very silly picture of Rage Against the Machine Man raging, to make up for all the machining I did in this post:

Sexytime!

Wawawewow, kids. Just look at this pretty thing!

Fender has designed a custom-made, signature edition Jazzmaster guitar for living legend J. Mascis, the axe-wielding wizard from Dinosaur, Jr. Click HERE to visit the Fender site and check the specs on this piece of gorgeousity. I also saw one for sale on eBay HERE - looks like it's going for about $850 bones. Worth every penny if you ask me.

Garsh, it's pretty. I'd like to name it Scarlett Johannson, take it out for a steak dinner, introduce it to my parents and go away for a lovely weekend in Venice with it.

If any of you devoted readers wants to buy one for me, I would be okay with that scenario.

This Man Is Not To Be Trusted

I'm not even sure he's real! But he certainly seems pleased with himself about something.


If you're one of the five people who hasn't done so already, you really need to click HERE and "Simpsonize" a photo of yourself.

I guess you need to know what I look like to realize how funny the above image is, but I'm pretty familiar with what I look like and I think it's a fucking riot.

Check it out! Oh, and go see The Simpsons Movie, which premieres tomorrow.

Possibly The Funniest Thing I've Ever Seen

I reckon there's funny, and there's funny.

And this is both kinds of funny, plus maybe three other kinds of funny combined.

Simply perfect in concept, execution and overall performance. Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo. The Academy salutes you. Hell, I salute you. The whole damn country salutes you!

The Most Important News of 2007 So Far

I can't even believe it.

The biggest news of the year.

No, the war's not over. Come on, gimme a break.
No, Georgie boy has not been impeached. (Fingers crossed)
No, we don't have centralized healthcare for all US citizens.
No, Al Gore has not announced his candidacy for president.
No, Anna Nicole did not come back to life.
No, Paris did not go back to jail.
No, Michael Richards did not convert to Islam.
No, Britney's hair hasn't grown back yet. (Well, maybe it did, but I don't care.)
No, Scientology is not a real religion.
No, the Simpsons movie didn't come out yet.
No, Tom Cruise didn't come out yet either.

BUT. Speaking of Tom Cruise coming out, there has been one important development this year.

R. KELLY IS RELEASING 10 MORE CHAPTERS OF "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET."

Ten more!!!! That is huge news.

If you've never seen it (first of all, I don't believe you), "Closet" is easily the best example of "so bad it's good" entertainment I've ever seen. In fact, it's so bad, it's good and then it's bad again. It's fucking awful. It's absolutely ridiculous. It should never have been made once, let alone a second time.

In fact you should watch it. Click HERE to view the first 5 chapters! (Which totals over 20 minutes, by the way. So, with chapters 6 - 22, that means you have about 80 minutes of terrible, awful, shitty entertainment ahead of you. Amazing!)



I'm still reeling from shock. This is almost as amazing as when he performed a 7 minute acapella version at the MTV video music awards. And by "acapella," I obviously mean "horrendously lip-synced" over the full music and lyrics. That performance was so bad, I can't even talk about it... but you can watch it! Here:

Christmahannakwanza In July!

It must be mine, or Jesus', or Sammy Davis Junior's birthday today or something. Wowee.

Cliquez ici!
George Bush's approval rating sinks to 25%!

Actual quote from the news blurb: "These are record lows for the survey."

Wowee.

I can't wait to see how the Democrats screw this one up!

Monday Morning Japanese Wisdom

Rainy Monday mornings. Not much you can do with those, folks. You just have to bite your lip and cope until it's Tuesday.

Easier said than done, I know.

Hopefully the following poem by a friend in Japan will cheer you up. It did wonders for me:

Curious George!
Have a nice blue Monday!
Now Tokyo is blue Monday night.
Tomorrow is ruby Tuesday?
So my life is like a Rolling Stone(s)?

And if for some reason that did not warm the innermost corners of your heart, then perhaps the following picture will. This is a picture of the aforementioned friend's dog. I'm not making this up - this is really what he looks like. I wish anything I did in my life made me look half as cool as this dog:

Patton Oswalt, I Adore You (Part Trois)

Friends, as you know, Patton Oswalt is somewhat of a hero of mine.

That's right, Patton Oswalt, star of Ratatouille, sometime NY Times op-ed columnist, and all-around hysterical guy.

As such, it behooves me to inform you that he has a new comedy album coming soon from Sub Pop records called "Werewolves and Lollipops." Click HERE to order it today!
In addition, he's also going to be appearing in New York City this week, doing a free show at Sound Fix in Williamsburg. Imagine all the lucky little cheeseburgers who will get to yuk it up with my favorite funny man. Maybe I'll even get to be there myself! Time will tell, of course.

But if you want to know how cool Patton really is, know this: I emailed him to let him know I would be going to the show and HE WROTE ME BACK.

Bless his dimunitive heart.

Happy Birthday America!!!

My Fellow Americans,

The anniversary of the birth of our nation is nearly upon us. This is an important day for America, Americans and everything we stand for as a nation and as a system of beliefs.

Which is why it's so especially amazing that Presiduhnt Bush has taken it upon himself to go one step further in bastardizing the very fabric of our nation: the justice system.

Yes, we once had a system of balanced powers, where every (wo)man was considered innocent until proven guilty, where all people had an equal voice. But not today! I say thee nay! Today, we have shown the country, the world and most importantly, the terrorists that none of that matters anymore. As long as you have friends in high places, the world is your oyster.

What am I talking about, you say? Why am I writing in the past tense? Why am I picking on Georgie boy?

Well, it's simple. Because today, the president gave his friend Scooter Libby a free pass.


This is so disgusting, there's really nothing more to say about it. From this point forward, in America, you're innocent until proven guilty, and if you are proven guilty, you can be innocent again, as long as you're a Bushie.

The law, quite literally, doesn't apply to Bush. He's proven that today.

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!!

The Mediocre Gatsby

Well, it's summertime, and I have three weddings to go to, for three great couples I know.

Given the magnitude of these events, how much I care for the parties in question and my usual flair for the dramatic, I thought that called for something a little special. So I decided to dress for the part.

So I got a new suit, and it goes a little somethin' like this (I promise never to make this face, however):

Seersucker. It's not just a fabric, it's an approach, a way of life, really. It's about doing things right, the first time.

It also looks really cool. I think I'm going to start calling everyone "old sport" and leaving dollars in people's hands every time I shake them. Go big or go home!

I Didn't Even Have To Use My A-K

I just rode my bike home from the bar. It's nearly 2:30 am. I've had a great day.

Which is funny, because I can't think of any particular thing that made it good. But good, it was.

So thanks to anyone out there who might have made that possible.

Let's hope tomorrow keeps the pace.

Talk About A Romance Explosion!

This one really takes the cake. It takes the cake and covers it in rainbow-colored icing and multi-colored jimmies. I don't even have an introduction for it - it's that astounding.

The Pentagon just admitted that it has been working on a bomb... wait for it... that will turn everyone within its blast radius.... gay.

Yes, you read that correctly, I'm afraid. This is beyond the beyond. I wonder if this one was cooked up by those science fiction writers the government hired last week! Man, this country gets weirder every god damn day.

Just know this, as you read the story - this is what your tax dollars are being spent on!

But wait, it gets scarier - I think they've been testing this bomb in our own backyard - the West Village!

An elite strike force has been summoned to investigate further. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire: THE GAY-TEAM

It Really Ties The Room Together

Good news, friends. I finally got some furniture in my living room. It's actually starting to look like a place where a human might want to live.

The couch is long enough to pass out on after stumbling home at 4am and if I ever want to sit by the window and page through the latest copy of Hustler, there's a lovely chair by the window as well. Not to mention the highly shaggable shag rug and my coffee table that looks like it was designed by Powell-Peralta.

Now, if only I had some goddamn curtains on the windows. Ah well, Rome wasn't curtained in a day, I suppose.

Cell phone pic (sandals not included):

TGINTWA - Thank God It's Not This Week Anymore!

Man, on a scale of one to shitty, this week was explosive diarrhea. From start to finish, it was textbook awful. As the corpse of this week is lowered into the earth, I spit on its grave!

Okay, okay, enough of that imagery. Yikes, what's wrong with this guy?

Time for some comedy. I think I'll have some of this tonight (which is to say, comedy and Scotch!)


Also, if you're anything like me (and I sincerely hope for your sake you're not), you've often wondered what it might look like when the Misfits tend to their landscaping. Well, it's the weekend, so it's time to take care of the yard, people! I think it might look something like this:


Have a nice weekend, my Funions.

This Just In: An Entire Fleet of Angels Gets Their Wings (Again!)

Yup, you guessed it, you three people who actually read this dumb site with any regularity...

P-Hilt is back in the clink.

Justice is served (again)! It must be my muthafuckin' Friday!

You know what this means: we might still get to see some face tattoos!

This Just In: Life Isn't Fair

Okay, so forget what I said two posts below about the great hope I felt when Paris Hilton was sent to jail.

Skankapalooza just got out - after only two days. Money talks and morons walk, apparently.

Read it and weep. She's going to serve the rest of the sentence under house arrest, Disturbia style.

You tell em, Commodus Aurelius:

Man, and I was really hoping she'd discover the writings of the honorable Elijah Muhammed. And/or get a neck tattoo.

I guess the world really is as terrible as I originally thought.

Oh well, go on about your business.

Wawawewow!

Hello my bloggings bestfriends!


Today, I communicating to you with the internets. (Thank you, Al Gores for invent! Also, for your global warmings. It very cold in Kazakh, so I like a very much.)

I tell to you a wonderful thing I find on this electronic highways. It a called "999 Borats" - this a very premium number of me! In my country, Minister of Mathematics and Horse Science, Uri Bobshalaveletzakin dictate all number is below 1,000 because government like save money on superfluous comma markings. Since this is police-enforced law, I am agree!

This is project I discover, make by artist Oli Goldsmith. He is big #1 fan of a Borat! He like my journalisms of culture and decide to make a 999 paintings original of me! I like a very much Oli Goldsmith! I wish to him great success and access to American vagin.


This make to me and my family a very proud. If Oli Goldsmith make journey to Kazakh, my father is promise to him give choice of my sister Barbarella (very much sex!), brother Bilo (he is retard) or donkey (sometimes she kick testi-satchel, but she nice) - he make a good choose!

I hope to you make visit to this World Wide Web pages, where you find more and purchase this paintings. They make you tie a rooms together, very nice design for metrosexuals. If you show to a nice lady, she is have immediate romance explosion - this is guarantee!

Thank you Oli Goldsmith for make painting of me. I hope you get a very much sexytime propositions from internets web cam ladies with this project. Maybe you meet Lyndsey Lohans. High five!

Jagshemash,
Borat Sagdiyev

So Shines A Good Deed In A Weary World

So, as of this Monday afternoon...

Iraq's pretty much an irrevocable disaster.
Our political leaders are thoroughly corrupt.
Gas (and corn, apparently?) ain't getting any cheaper.
Global warming insists on being invited to the party.

And on and on.

People are dying, moms are crying, peace sells, but who's buying? (Dave Mustane would ask you the same question.)

I don't know. But at least Dippy McDumbshit is going to jail for a few weeks. Yes, Paris is burning. Paris Hilton, America's favorite vapid, soulless, moronic excuse for a celebritard is finally getting a much-needed and long overdue dose of reality. And, according to the article linked above, a pamphlet on potential viruses contracted in the jail cell.

This is a great day and has even greater future potential. Think about all that can happen:

- She could tussle with some of those tough broads from latenight Cinemax lady prison movies.
- She could make custom "THATSHOT" license plates.
- Prison tattoos on her neck (or face!).
- Wouldn't it be amazing if she discovered the Nation of Islam?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes, the world is a troubled place. But let's look at the bright side when we can. Every time Paris Hilton goes to jail, an entire fleet of angels gets their wings.

POTUS* or Sulky McSulkpants?

Ha! (Read that again and imagine Alf saying it.)

I love it when The Huffington Post puts this picture of Bush on their site. They do it every time he tries to hide something or if his approval ratings sink.

(Which is pretty fucking often, actually.)


The only way it could look funnier is if there was a big "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign next to the window.

*POTUS stands for President of the United States, by the way.

You Literally Can't Make This Shit Up (Part Four)

Citizens of Earth (or at least, America),

Are you aware that we are in the midst of A War On Terror? Yes, I read that on a web site somewhere. I couldn't believe it either.

What's that you say? A war on terror sounds about as feasible as a war on irony? Or a war on tardiness? Or a war on drugs?

I know, I know. If it looks like fiction, sounds like fiction, then it must be fiction. And what better way to fight fiction than with more fiction? And why just stop at plain old boring fiction - let's get crazy, how about Science Fiction? Well, the government has decided to do just that.

Yes, the often-castigated but never duplicated Homeland Security Department is really going for a new record in lamebrain ideas. I mean... uh, they're really exploring some interesting new approaches that are sure to bring the terrororistors to their terror-inspiring feet.... yeah, that's the ticket...

SCIENCE FICTION WRITERS. Even this guy can't believe it:


They've hired science fiction writers to come up with possible counter-intelligence to theoretical terror attacks. For those of you who just woke up from carbon freezing: A bunch of aspiring El Ron Hubbards are supposedly going to help crack the case on Terror.

I'll give you a moment to soak that in...

No, you didn't just take the brown acid my friends. That shit is really happening. To quote a song from the highly quotable Ian MacKaye: "Is this my world? I no longer recognize." Me neither I-man. Me neither.

ARRRRGGGH. Are you kidding me???? Just look at this pile of freaks!


What in Xenu's name could they possibly save anyone from? Getting laid? Being stranded on the planet Vulcan? As a man sitting in back of me during the movie The Blair Witch Project once said: This shit is bullshit.

Yes. Yes, it is, sir. This shit is undeniably bullshit.

By the way, I hope you had a nice memorial day weekend. I know our Democratic Congress did. You know how I know that? Because the slippery little shits did THIS and then peaced out for the weekend so El Deciderino wouldn't talk shit about them for letting down the troops while they were on vacation.

Nice job, ass clowns. After all the huffing and puffing, the assurance that they'd finally grown some stones, they just wimp out and hit the beach with Brenda and Dylan. I expect this kind of behavior of people working in retail - because, let's face it, that work is just inhumane - but these are elected officials who are supposed to be acting for the greater good. Instead, they're chugging blush wine in Martha's Vineyard.

It's been a banner week. Good grief, America.