Thursday, May 31, 2007

You Literally Can't Make This Shit Up (Part Four)

Citizens of Earth (or at least, America),

Are you aware that we are in the midst of A War On Terror? Yes, I read that on a web site somewhere. I couldn't believe it either.

What's that you say? A war on terror sounds about as feasible as a war on irony? Or a war on tardiness? Or a war on drugs?

I know, I know. If it looks like fiction, sounds like fiction, then it must be fiction. And what better way to fight fiction than with more fiction? And why just stop at plain old boring fiction - let's get crazy, how about Science Fiction? Well, the government has decided to do just that.

Yes, the often-castigated but never duplicated Homeland Security Department is really going for a new record in lamebrain ideas. I mean... uh, they're really exploring some interesting new approaches that are sure to bring the terrororistors to their terror-inspiring feet.... yeah, that's the ticket...

SCIENCE FICTION WRITERS. Even this guy can't believe it:

They've hired science fiction writers to come up with possible counter-intelligence to theoretical terror attacks. For those of you who just woke up from carbon freezing: A bunch of aspiring El Ron Hubbards are supposedly going to help crack the case on Terror.

I'll give you a moment to soak that in...

No, you didn't just take the brown acid my friends. That shit is really happening. To quote a song from the highly quotable Ian MacKaye: "Is this my world? I no longer recognize." Me neither I-man. Me neither.

ARRRRGGGH. Are you kidding me???? Just look at this pile of freaks!

What in Xenu's name could they possibly save anyone from? Getting laid? Being stranded on the planet Vulcan? As a man sitting in back of me during the movie The Blair Witch Project once said: This shit is bullshit.

Yes. Yes, it is, sir. This shit is undeniably bullshit.

By the way, I hope you had a nice memorial day weekend. I know our Democratic Congress did. You know how I know that? Because the slippery little shits did THIS and then peaced out for the weekend so El Deciderino wouldn't talk shit about them for letting down the troops while they were on vacation.

Nice job, ass clowns. After all the huffing and puffing, the assurance that they'd finally grown some stones, they just wimp out and hit the beach with Brenda and Dylan. I expect this kind of behavior of people working in retail - because, let's face it, that work is just inhumane - but these are elected officials who are supposed to be acting for the greater good. Instead, they're chugging blush wine in Martha's Vineyard.

It's been a banner week. Good grief, America.

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