Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Turd Blossom: Now With 100% More Turd

Karl Rove. Why, just saying his name makes me want to brush my teeth to get the taste out.

What can I say about the man that W affectionately dubbed "Turd Blossom" that would or could make him sound any worse than he could make himself sound? Answer: nothing. He doesn't need any help from me to incriminate himself, unfortunately.

Turdy McTurdleston has achieved a new, unprecedented level of evil though, so I did feel the need to mark the occasion. What did fattypants do this time, you ask? Well, you know that Iraq war that everyone's talking about? The one Rove-o-tron helped to orchestrate and profit from? Yeah, that one.

Well, it seems ol' Karl has decided to weigh in on it (emphasis on "weigh" LOLZ!) after all this time, to address the mistakes that have been made and finally take the people who rushed us into battle to task. Because of a select group of terrible, awful, no-good people, we jumped into a battle we had no hopes of winning, occupied a country that does not want us there, instigated civil war that shows no sign of dissipating and, oh, by the way, cost our own country billions of dollars and most imporantly, thousands of innocent, well-intentioned lives.

So who are these as-yet-unnamed warmongers that Rove went on national television and cited as the source of this whole mess? Well I'll tell you! None other than... the United States Congress!

Wait a second... the United States Congress??? Wait, that doesn't make any sense... I'm pretty sure that's not correct at all... and my girlfriend Arianna agrees with me!

The evidence that it was President Bush and Vice President Cheney -- and not Congress -- who were hungry for war is overwhelming. For starters, we have Bush's own words before the vote, when he explicitly told Congress that "it's in our national interest" to get the vote "done as quickly as possible." And the insistence of then-Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld that "delaying a vote in Congress would send the wrong message." And the words of then-Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle who says that when he asked Bush in September 2002 why there was such a rush for a vote on Iraq the president "looked at Cheney and he looked at me, and there was a half-smile on his face. And he said: 'We just have to do this now.'"

And there is the insider evidence provided by Richard Clarke, who wrote that within hours of the 9/11 attacks, this administration
had its heart set on heading into Iraq. And from Paul O'Neill, who made it clear that invading Iraq had been Bush's goal before he had even learned where the Oval Office supply closet was.

So I was right after all! Karl Rove is rewriting history for his own purposes! Thanks Arianna, you're the bestest gal ever.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we learned something today: Turd Blossom is decidedly evil and definitely full of shit. He's positively blossoming with it.

Oh, I guess... we already knew that. Hmm.

But... if the GOP has taught us anything, it's that repetition is essential to convincing someone to see your side of the truth.

But... if the GOP has taught us anything, it's that repetition is essential to convincing someone to see your side of the truth.

But... if the GOP has taught us anything, it's that - oh, you get the point.

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