This Just In: Exercise Is Good For You

If you're any regular reader of this here productivity wormhole of a blog, you're keenly aware of one thing: until very recently, I felt like total shit for about 2 years. Primarily work-induced.

But, things are getting better, at a steady clip. I have to admit. At the rate I'm going, I might have to rename this site to Dispatches From the Fuzzy Bunny-Shaped Pink Cloud or something.

Before this 2 year period fugue, I was pretty healthy, went to the gym, ate right, the whole nine. Once the aforementioned work stress kicked in though, this not only faded from my life, but eventually did a 180 degree turnaround. Lately I look like Quentin Tarantino's little brother who rides the short bus, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

I recently decided I didn't fee like buying a larger waste size on any more pants though, and now I'm determined to get back in the swing of things. I went to the gym today!

I ran 3 miles. My face turned as red as George Bush's underpants, but I did it. Granted, I used to run 3 miles or more with no problem, but hey, baby steps, right?

Don't tell anyone, but I also want to trim back my drinking. Nothing drastic, but cutting back some, perhaps to the level most people function at, instead of John Belushi's understudy or something.

My goal is to trim up and drop some LB's (that's pounds) by the end of summer. If I can accomplish that, I'm going to reward myself with something I've wanted for a long time, but never got around to: A TATTOO! (More on that story as it develops.)

Time will tell. But as of this post, I'm serious about this.

I promise tomorrow's post will be really dumb and silly to make up for this one.

Here's a very silly picture of Rage Against the Machine Man raging, to make up for all the machining I did in this post:

Sexytime!

Wawawewow, kids. Just look at this pretty thing!

Fender has designed a custom-made, signature edition Jazzmaster guitar for living legend J. Mascis, the axe-wielding wizard from Dinosaur, Jr. Click HERE to visit the Fender site and check the specs on this piece of gorgeousity. I also saw one for sale on eBay HERE - looks like it's going for about $850 bones. Worth every penny if you ask me.

Garsh, it's pretty. I'd like to name it Scarlett Johannson, take it out for a steak dinner, introduce it to my parents and go away for a lovely weekend in Venice with it.

If any of you devoted readers wants to buy one for me, I would be okay with that scenario.

This Man Is Not To Be Trusted

I'm not even sure he's real! But he certainly seems pleased with himself about something.


If you're one of the five people who hasn't done so already, you really need to click HERE and "Simpsonize" a photo of yourself.

I guess you need to know what I look like to realize how funny the above image is, but I'm pretty familiar with what I look like and I think it's a fucking riot.

Check it out! Oh, and go see The Simpsons Movie, which premieres tomorrow.

Possibly The Funniest Thing I've Ever Seen

I reckon there's funny, and there's funny.

And this is both kinds of funny, plus maybe three other kinds of funny combined.

Simply perfect in concept, execution and overall performance. Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo. The Academy salutes you. Hell, I salute you. The whole damn country salutes you!

The Most Important News of 2007 So Far

I can't even believe it.

The biggest news of the year.

No, the war's not over. Come on, gimme a break.
No, Georgie boy has not been impeached. (Fingers crossed)
No, we don't have centralized healthcare for all US citizens.
No, Al Gore has not announced his candidacy for president.
No, Anna Nicole did not come back to life.
No, Paris did not go back to jail.
No, Michael Richards did not convert to Islam.
No, Britney's hair hasn't grown back yet. (Well, maybe it did, but I don't care.)
No, Scientology is not a real religion.
No, the Simpsons movie didn't come out yet.
No, Tom Cruise didn't come out yet either.

BUT. Speaking of Tom Cruise coming out, there has been one important development this year.

R. KELLY IS RELEASING 10 MORE CHAPTERS OF "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET."

Ten more!!!! That is huge news.

If you've never seen it (first of all, I don't believe you), "Closet" is easily the best example of "so bad it's good" entertainment I've ever seen. In fact, it's so bad, it's good and then it's bad again. It's fucking awful. It's absolutely ridiculous. It should never have been made once, let alone a second time.

In fact you should watch it. Click HERE to view the first 5 chapters! (Which totals over 20 minutes, by the way. So, with chapters 6 - 22, that means you have about 80 minutes of terrible, awful, shitty entertainment ahead of you. Amazing!)



I'm still reeling from shock. This is almost as amazing as when he performed a 7 minute acapella version at the MTV video music awards. And by "acapella," I obviously mean "horrendously lip-synced" over the full music and lyrics. That performance was so bad, I can't even talk about it... but you can watch it! Here:

Christmahannakwanza In July!

It must be mine, or Jesus', or Sammy Davis Junior's birthday today or something. Wowee.

Cliquez ici!
George Bush's approval rating sinks to 25%!

Actual quote from the news blurb: "These are record lows for the survey."

Wowee.

I can't wait to see how the Democrats screw this one up!

Monday Morning Japanese Wisdom

Rainy Monday mornings. Not much you can do with those, folks. You just have to bite your lip and cope until it's Tuesday.

Easier said than done, I know.

Hopefully the following poem by a friend in Japan will cheer you up. It did wonders for me:

Curious George!
Have a nice blue Monday!
Now Tokyo is blue Monday night.
Tomorrow is ruby Tuesday?
So my life is like a Rolling Stone(s)?

And if for some reason that did not warm the innermost corners of your heart, then perhaps the following picture will. This is a picture of the aforementioned friend's dog. I'm not making this up - this is really what he looks like. I wish anything I did in my life made me look half as cool as this dog:

Patton Oswalt, I Adore You (Part Trois)

Friends, as you know, Patton Oswalt is somewhat of a hero of mine.

That's right, Patton Oswalt, star of Ratatouille, sometime NY Times op-ed columnist, and all-around hysterical guy.

As such, it behooves me to inform you that he has a new comedy album coming soon from Sub Pop records called "Werewolves and Lollipops." Click HERE to order it today!
In addition, he's also going to be appearing in New York City this week, doing a free show at Sound Fix in Williamsburg. Imagine all the lucky little cheeseburgers who will get to yuk it up with my favorite funny man. Maybe I'll even get to be there myself! Time will tell, of course.

But if you want to know how cool Patton really is, know this: I emailed him to let him know I would be going to the show and HE WROTE ME BACK.

Bless his dimunitive heart.

Happy Birthday America!!!

My Fellow Americans,

The anniversary of the birth of our nation is nearly upon us. This is an important day for America, Americans and everything we stand for as a nation and as a system of beliefs.

Which is why it's so especially amazing that Presiduhnt Bush has taken it upon himself to go one step further in bastardizing the very fabric of our nation: the justice system.

Yes, we once had a system of balanced powers, where every (wo)man was considered innocent until proven guilty, where all people had an equal voice. But not today! I say thee nay! Today, we have shown the country, the world and most importantly, the terrorists that none of that matters anymore. As long as you have friends in high places, the world is your oyster.

What am I talking about, you say? Why am I writing in the past tense? Why am I picking on Georgie boy?

Well, it's simple. Because today, the president gave his friend Scooter Libby a free pass.


This is so disgusting, there's really nothing more to say about it. From this point forward, in America, you're innocent until proven guilty, and if you are proven guilty, you can be innocent again, as long as you're a Bushie.

The law, quite literally, doesn't apply to Bush. He's proven that today.

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!!