You Literally Can't Make This Shit Up (Part Four)

Citizens of Earth (or at least, America),

Are you aware that we are in the midst of A War On Terror? Yes, I read that on a web site somewhere. I couldn't believe it either.

What's that you say? A war on terror sounds about as feasible as a war on irony? Or a war on tardiness? Or a war on drugs?

I know, I know. If it looks like fiction, sounds like fiction, then it must be fiction. And what better way to fight fiction than with more fiction? And why just stop at plain old boring fiction - let's get crazy, how about Science Fiction? Well, the government has decided to do just that.

Yes, the often-castigated but never duplicated Homeland Security Department is really going for a new record in lamebrain ideas. I mean... uh, they're really exploring some interesting new approaches that are sure to bring the terrororistors to their terror-inspiring feet.... yeah, that's the ticket...

SCIENCE FICTION WRITERS. Even this guy can't believe it:


They've hired science fiction writers to come up with possible counter-intelligence to theoretical terror attacks. For those of you who just woke up from carbon freezing: A bunch of aspiring El Ron Hubbards are supposedly going to help crack the case on Terror.

I'll give you a moment to soak that in...

No, you didn't just take the brown acid my friends. That shit is really happening. To quote a song from the highly quotable Ian MacKaye: "Is this my world? I no longer recognize." Me neither I-man. Me neither.

ARRRRGGGH. Are you kidding me???? Just look at this pile of freaks!


What in Xenu's name could they possibly save anyone from? Getting laid? Being stranded on the planet Vulcan? As a man sitting in back of me during the movie The Blair Witch Project once said: This shit is bullshit.

Yes. Yes, it is, sir. This shit is undeniably bullshit.

By the way, I hope you had a nice memorial day weekend. I know our Democratic Congress did. You know how I know that? Because the slippery little shits did THIS and then peaced out for the weekend so El Deciderino wouldn't talk shit about them for letting down the troops while they were on vacation.

Nice job, ass clowns. After all the huffing and puffing, the assurance that they'd finally grown some stones, they just wimp out and hit the beach with Brenda and Dylan. I expect this kind of behavior of people working in retail - because, let's face it, that work is just inhumane - but these are elected officials who are supposed to be acting for the greater good. Instead, they're chugging blush wine in Martha's Vineyard.

It's been a banner week. Good grief, America.

I Got a Pocket Full of Kryptonite

You gotta love Myspace. Or maybe you don't. But you have to admit it's funny sometimes.

For instance, this super person below apparently wants to be my friend. I just got her invite this morning.

Simply amazing. I've met me. I've seen my Myspace profile. Even I don't want to be my friend. Hell, I kind of look like Lex Luthor! So, how in Tom's name (the Odin-father of Myspace) is this even remotely likely?

Simple answer: it's not. Not even close.

But, who am I to say no to a superheroine who wants to read my dumb bulletin board posts? You have to visit this page just to see the toolboxes that actually think she's a real person.

And to further complicate matters, which is to say: make them even more hysterical, this person's profile says her name is Michele.... yet, she also identifies herself as Lucy... yet her page is under the name John P. Drake.

Alas, I care not.

At the end of the day, that's really quite a picture, no matter how you serve it up.

Inspiring Words From A Man Who Knows How To Ski

"I do have one bit of advice for you, though Grace. Take the time in school to learn a foreign language. I myself never did , and I feel I've paid a price for it. "

- Anthony, as played by Luke Wilson, in Bottle Rocket

Friends, I just returned from Montreal, and boy, is my wallet tired. I think I dropped a college tuition there this weekend on a bevy of different kinds of entertainment. Some of which is not appropriate to discuss on the internets. My grandmother might read this.

The point is, mes petits choues, is Montreal is a bilingual city, in the midst of a bilingual province, in the midst of a bilingual country. You never know when a little French will come in handy. And come in handy, it did, mes amis.

I'd llike to thank the following people for making that possible: Madame Helmy, Monsieur Miller, Madame Bosco, Madame Chalupa and a host of other college professors whose names I've long since forgotten. I like to think of these people as more than just people. I like to think of them as French Teachers! Merci, professeurs. Merci pour tout!

Yes, much like my perennial hero Lane Meyer will tell you: sometimes, the secret to success can be attained through nothing more than Language Lessons. Yes, language lessons.



Keep that in your back pockets, my wayward travelers. Ne l'oublier pas jamais! You never know when the old Latin Roots will come in handy.

Just make sure you've also got plenty of cash on you too. That's also important in life. And in Montreal.

Until next time, tell Anthony I love him.*


*More Bottle Rocket fun

War Is Over (If You Want It)

As Ali G once said, today we is going to talk about something that is in the air, floating all around us: SCIENCE.

I love Science. Science, scientists and scientific advancements.

It's a beautiful thing sometimes. Every once in a while, a scientific discovery is made and it's so amazing that you can hardly believe it. You want to cry beautiful little angel tears made out of baby unicorn wishes.

THIS is just such a story.

I just want to kiss Science on the mouth, take it out for a steak dinner and romantic weekend in Paris.

Oh, joy, oh rapture, oh happy, happy day. Go on America - go find a scientist and make sweet, tender love to him or her. They've earned their salary today.

xo
D'Artagnan

Be Not So Fearful

by Bill Fay

Be not so nervous
Be not so frail
Someone watches you
You won't fail

Be not so nervous
Be not so frail
Be not so nervous
Be not so frail

Be not so sorry
For what you have done
You must forget them now
It's done

And when you wake up
You will find that you can run
Be not so sorry
For what you have done

Be not so fearful
Be not so pale
Someone watches you
You won't leave the rails

Be not so fearful
Be not so pale
Be not so fearful
Be not so pale

Be not so sorry
For what you have done
You must forget them now
It's done

And when you wake up
You will find that you can run

Be not so sorry
For what you have done
Be not so sorry
For what you have done

Brett Wilson's 115th Beer

Dear Pals,

My friend Brett is pretty artsy. If you are around this weekend, you should come to Jersey City and see some of his wares. He is curating a show at the inimitable Residue Gallery with several of my other friends this weekend. The theme of the show is that everyone had to create a piece about Brett. So look at the pictures below and decide if you can handle all that handsome.

Big kickoff party on Friday too, so wear some plaid and show your Jersey City pride (plaid is the official and preferred color, flag and garment of JC, dontchaknow).

Sincerely,
Your Pal


PS - I will not be here for this show, regrettably. I will be in Montreal drinking alcohol and paying nice ladies to dance, along with some of the aforementioned artists.

Living In the Kingdom Of Death

As one door opens
Another one shuts for good.
It is always thus.

Goodbye, we love you.

xo

How I Met Your Mother

The next time anyone asks me what kind of girl I'd like to meet, I'm going to direct them to this picture.

I just found this on the internet because I ran a search for the phrase "True dat!"

I don't know where to begin laughing about this.