You Literally Can't Make This Shit Up (Part Three)

I would just like to inform everyone on the planet that today, Pitchfork reviewed a Frank Sinatra box set.

Man, my grandpa was cool, but I didn't know he was into indie rock!

I wonder what he would have thought about that Clipse album that everyone was spraying their shorts about on their end-of-year lists last year.

I do remember that time Sinatra met Sinead O'Connor though:

"Next issue: the bald chick. What's with her hair? How about it, cueball? I'm lookin' at you and thinkin' "fourteen in the side pocket."

And The Lord Said Unto Me “Let There Be HBO On Demand”

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls… the time has come. I’ve been fasting these past months. I have “gone without.”

Without what, you say?

Among other things… Cable. Cable TV.

I was living in the lap of luxury, not three months ago. I had digital cable, high speed internet, a DVR recorder… life was good. Well, that part of life was good. The rest… not so much.

Then I moved. Every other aspect of this move has been for the best. I am happier (alert the press!) and I get to see my friends all the time.

But I don’t get to see Al Swearengen. I don’t get to see Jon Stewart. Cash Cab. Or even my network friends… Meredith, Rosie, Conan, Dave. Heck, I even miss Mr. Rogers.

But all that changes on Monday, February 5, 2007.

I’m installing the Comcast Triple PlayÒ . Landline phone (that’s another thing, my god damn cell phone doesn’t even work in my own apartment), high speed internet (This wireless shit is for the birds. It’s bird shit.) and… digital cable. With HBO (The Wire!), Showtime (Weeds!) and Stars (I don’t know!). Oh my!

Things are going to be different around here.

The State of the Onion

Wow, I bet nobody ever made that joke before! Gimme a break. I'm hung over.

Ahem.

We've all had more than our fill the past days/weeks/months/years/presidential terms of political mysticism. But how about a little political witticism?

David Rees (author of the highly likeable “Get Your War On” cartoons) watched the State of the Union speech the other night and sends it up in high style.

Get your laugh on, America!

Dylan Goes Electric

So yes, I left this blog woefully unattended for some time. I do apologize, my Ledgers. (That’s how I refer to you when I close my eyes and dream a little dream, by the way. Thousands of long lost relatives of Heath Ledger from around the world [Gomen nasai, Japan!]. Oh, and I guess it has something to do with the name of this site too.) This was not done out of spite, negligence or any other fancy college words like that. No, I hit the job circuit again recently and needed to go under the radar for a bit, just until things blew over. You know how it is. Not that I’m engaged in any high crimes or anything around here, but this site doesn’t exactly scream “hire me.” Come to think of it, I don't scream that either.

Life, these past few months, has been nothing short of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. I’ve been miserable at work, I moved to a great town, grew more miserable at work, went to California, went back to work, and then I just landed a new job, joined a book club, a writing class AND bought a laptop. As Ghostface would say, “The game got real.”

But let’s live in the now, brothers and sisters: I’m back. And soon, I’ll have the internets available to me at the homestead, which will make a tremendous difference and I expect my posts will regain their formerly fierce comic alacrity in no time at all. For now, I know I probably sound like a deadbeat dad, but bear (or bare? your choice) with me just a short while longer.

Hope all’s well on your end of the cord. If you want to leave me a note and tell me what you did for the holidays or what you’re going to do for summer vacation, I’d love to hear about it. You’re as special to me as Crystal Pepsi. And I mean that.

For now, I will part ways, but I leave you with my favorite quote from the highly quotable film Big Trouble in Little China, as delivered by the inimitable Kurt Russell in his role as Jack Burton:

“Ok, you people! Sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn... call the president.”

Except, don’t call the president, please. He’s got his hands full at the moment ruining our collective futures.

ZING!

Big Brother Has Got To Be Kidding Me

Comrades,

Thanks for joining this latest installment of the George Orwell Appalling Truth Hour. On this week’s show, we’ve got a real doozy. As a matter of fact, it’s downright disturbing!

Once again, George W. Bush does not cease to amaze. In a feat that truly defies belief, our beloved Decider in Chief has “decidered” to pass legislation that allows him to… wait for it… OPEN PEOPLE’S MAIL without a warrant. Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. As The Daily News puts it, “The President asserted his new authority when he signed a postal reform bill into law on Dec. 20. Bush then issued a "signing statement" that declared his right to open people's mail under emergency conditions.”

Emergency conditions, eh? Wow, what a strange coincidence that we’ve been at a minimum of an “elevated” threat level since September the 11th (as he likes to call it). Isn’t that just the most convenient thing you ever heard, boys and girls? And you thought having your phones tapped was invasive! He was just getting warmed up.



When is this shit going to end? And don’t tell me November 2008, because that’s so depressing I can’t even bear the thought of it. Dear God and Baby Jesus, what is it going to take to get this fascist impeached? He’s the president of the United States, true, but that doesn’t give him the Divine Right of Kings.

“Hey 'Mrrica, here’s what I think of you and yer civil liberties!”




Remember when all this guy was famous for was getting busted for cocaine and executing mentally disabled people? Ah, those were the good old days.