Imagine "Goodbye Horses" Playing in the Background...

This was sent to me, and all I can say is "wow."

Does everyone know what J-Date is? It's an exclusively Jewish dating service. Anyway, apparently this guy meets a girl on J-Date and takes her out for dinner at a restaurant called the China Grill. Apparently, she offers to split the $100.00 bill, but he insists on paying. They never go out again. And this is the aftermath.

You know, I'm not exactly the Cassanova of the century, and that's okay with me (actually, no it's not okay). But shit. I gotta be better than this guy, right? I mean, he makes the paperboy from "Better Off Dead" seem like an emo pushover. Granted, that was only over two dollars, and this is fifty, but wow, it's time to get some therapy buddy.

I'm glad I heard this though, because now I know that no matter how bad things get, I'm not as bad as this wingnut.

Right?

Ladies?

Uh... fellas?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Talk to me, Goose, talk to me...



UPDATE: You can read about the whole saga in its entirety HERE. Wow part two.

This Guy's Balludos Don't Fit In the Room

Dear Chi-Chis,

Something you’ll learn about me: I love making lists. Just ask the girl I recently went on a blind date with – our pre-date emails were full of them. Although, I could make another list of why we didn’t have a second date. But don't get me started - hey, is this thing on?

Well, my point being that you’re getting a loving spoonful of lists right now. I’ll keep em short but semi-sweet.

List of dirty words/expressions I learned to say in Argentinean Spanish this weekend:

- What balls! (Balludos!)

- Tiny/medium/giant pussy (Actually I forget, but I did learn all those sizes)

- Crazy pussy (chi-chi loca)

Okay, so that’s really all the words I learned, but boy howdy, was it fun. I learnt them from a positively charming and sweet couple who know a couple of my friends. We spent the weekend on Long Beach Island. It was complètement fantastique. But the water was so cold, I could barely stay in for more than 2 minutes. Anyone who’s been to the beach with me knows how criminal that is. We chatted about all manner of subjects (other than vaginas), ate lots of grilled veggie treats, drank an Argentinean drink called a Fernando and generally horsed around and laughed. I’m a happy puppy dog today.

Plus, on my way home, I got to do something I haven’t done in weeks and that truly brings me a rare and inimitable feeling of joy: record shopping. It’s so relaxing and pleasant, I really don’t know why I’ve not gone in so long. Anyway, here is a list of awesome records I got. I’m so excited to dig in to them!

- Gram Parsons – Complete Reprise Sessions

- Triple disc, re-mastered, original artwork, bonus tracks, oh my!) Gram to me is like Johnny Cash fused with Elliott Smith, which is about as awesome as it gets. Kinda breaks your heart, but so damn good.

- Them – The Story of Them

- Van Morrison’s old band – no less than 50 tracks! Imagine Van the Man rocking out like Mick Jagger with an even bigger drinking problem. Now I can die happy.

- Steely Dan – Can’t Buy a Thrill

- I’m just now getting into these guys, but I love the song “Dirty Work.” From what I’ve heard, I’m sure I’ll love the whole thing.

- Awesome Color – s/t

- What’s in a name? They’ve got a dirty Detroit sound ala MC5 and the Stooges. Sounds good to me. This is new, so I’ll let you know.

- Thin Lizzy – Bad Reputation

- This record is totally badass and I don’t know why I never owned it before. Power pop with about 3,000 guitar riffs per song and some truly dudely lyrics.

- Terry Reid – Seed of Memory

- More awesome tunes from the dude who almost got to be Robert Plant. Really a wonderful songwriter in his own right, who seems to only recently be getting his propers. Look into him – he’s the stuff!

- Sleepy Jackson – Personality

- Holy crap I love this band. They’re so weird and off-beat. Yet extremely technical and perfect psych-pop songcrafters. Take some vitamin C, breath in a helium balloon and blast off to this oddball dreamworld.

- Thom Yorke – The Eraser

- A light, soft-sounding electronic album of twisted tunes from our pal Thom. It’s really lovely, in a kinda creepy way.

One last thing. I picked up a book (well, a ginormous zine really) today too. It’s called Penny-Ante and it’s pretty god damn rad. Two friends of mine, Alexandra K and Solveig, have some poetry in it and there are a million other artists, writers and musicians featured. You can get the book here, and I recommend that you do, chi-chis.

xo

me

When Cameron Was in Egypt's Land... Let My Cameron Go

Things to do when you’re sick, tired, bored and depressed:

- Sleep until noon
- Listen to Talk Talk and get more depressed
- Try to clean your room about 137 times
- Hit refresh on your Myspace page every three minutes
- Upload about 300 new songs to your iTunes
- Listen to Current 93 and get religiously depressed
- Look online for cool jobs
- Take a break for a sandwich
- Watch Henry Rollins awkwardly interview someone on his show
- Reread the introductory paragraphs of about 12 short stories that you’ve started and never finished
- Make a mix for someone that doesn’t deserve one
- Listen to Bonnie Prince Billy and get rurally depressed
- Download more depressing songs
- Listen to them all
- Almost buy a million pairs of underwear and t-shirts on AmericanApparel.com
- Never quite get that room cleaned
- Not go to the concert you bought tickets to months ago
- Dread going back to work tomorrow
- Make a stupid list of things you did today

Man, I can’t believe you read all that. I'm really sorry.

I don't know what to tell you, except here is a picture of Bill Murray that cheered me up. Just look at how he gazes at you with understanding. Bill doesn't judge you. He wants only to make you laugh, and maybe get some arms and legs, but primarily, he wants to make you laugh. So please, laugh with Bill :

Apparently, I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters."
- Margaret Halsey

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
- Dean Vernon Wormer

----------

I haven't been home for a weekend in over a month.

For the 4th of July, I went away to North Carolina with friends. It was a lovely time. But I don't care where you're going - if you spend more than 10 hours in a car, you're gonna be one tired honky.

The following week, I went to Montreal for a bachelor party. Again, it was a fantastic time, but something about the nonstop partying combined with the lack of sleep and an over seven hour car ride really took the wind out of my sails.

Last weekend, I was really planning to stay home and rest. I really was. But, on Friday afternoon, I got a last minute invite to go to the beach. Who's going to pass that up? Not this guy. So, I hitched a ride down to LBI and had a great time. Luckily, I didn't have anything to drink that weekend, but wouldn't you know it? We hit traffic on the way home and I didn't get home till about 1:00 AM. Outstanding.

So this weekend, I really thougth I had a snowball's chance in hell of getting some rest.

But no.

As I type this, I am leaving work in about an hour and hopping straight onto a train to Long Island to help my dad move furniture. I mean, is that about 10 different kinds of awesome or what?

If you've read this far, I apologize. I really didn't have a point to any of the above. Just wanted to vent. For your troubles, however, I will reward you. Here is a picture of me with a cracking hangover, taken on a beautifully sunny day in Montreal. If you look closely, you'll notice my skin tone is not many shades darker than those tablecloths in the background.

Ugh. I would literally kill someone right now just to be able to take a nap. Good thing I'm on my way to Penn Station. The large crowds will work to my advantage there.

Anyway, here's a picture of Hangover Harry. Bring the pain:

It's a Box of Fucking Chocolates Alright

Life grows ever more surreal. And with the good, comes the bad. And vice versa. Or something like that. Count your lucky stars, amigos – I wrote a far darker version of this blog but then decided that the internet was fucked up enough already. So taste the rainbow and enjoy these little musings on how snuggling can bring you back from an internal apocalypse.

First, a love story.

My aunt, who just turned 76 years old, has just decided to get married. She raised six kids, lost her first husband several years ago and has seen more than her fair share of doom and gloom. And yet, for my whole life, she has remained one of the warmest, most generous and hilarious people I’ve ever met. And so, she is selling her house of many, many years, getting hitched and moving to Florida. Oh and did I mention that she’s known her “new” husband for her whole life? In fact they used to date in college and then fell out of touch for several decades while they lived with their respective spouses, both of whom have passed away. And now they’ve found each other again. That makes me so happy I wanna cry. It really truly does.

And here’s more positive news, the kind of which is the usual blog-worthy self-involved tripe. You can always count on me for some of that, o my brothers.

I WAS ON CASH CAB TODAY!!! AND I WON!!!!

It’s true. My friend Kristian (some call him The Punk Guy, but I sort of refuse to do that) and I found ourselves stepping into quite a surprise today. I won’t give away the details, since I want the show to remain successful, but hot shit was it a fun time!

And no, Cash Cab is not some kind of dirty pay-for-sex-on-a-bus (imagine the link I could have put there) or some other Internet-based scumbaggery. It's a gameshow in a taxi cab! Good family fun!

And we won! We really did. There were a few close calls, of course. In fact, we got the first fucking question wrong! I was not pleased. But, in the end, we walked away with quite the pocket full of pennies. We even won the video challenge / double-or-nothing question at the end and doubled our score! I don’t know when our episode will air, but rest assured, America’s favorite bald spot will be seen on the Discovery Channel before too long.

We couldn’t have done it without the help of my friend Brian aka Taco Bull. He was our "lifeline" and he answered a question correctly for us! The answer was "Catamaran."

How did Brian get the nickname Taco Bull you ask? I’m so glad you asked!

He tattooed himself with the name of a taco stand in Montreal on a bet. It was during a bachelor party, so it kind of makes sense in that context. But yeah, it’s totally awesome and totally stupid. Seeing these pictures, I can't believe he knew the answer to "Catamaran." Here’s a picture! Thanks Bri! I mean... Taco.