[Insert Rage Against the Machine Lyric Here]

Just wanted to share this.

I got a lovely letter in the mail yesterday. According to the New York Department of Taxation, I owe them over $850! And here I thought I was getting a refund.

The best part is, the letter said if I want to dispute their assertion (you think?), the best approach is to pay the amount first and then dispute it. If proven correct, I will be issued a refund. Is this country run by Scientologists or something??? Is this a pyramid scam???

People, I work my ass off. I take all kinds of grief in the process. I rarely have the energy to do anything when I get home from work. Often, I don't have the time either. Weekends, I don't snap out of my funk until sometime around Sunday afternoon. I give up about 40 percent of my check to taxes, all year long. I don't expense my late night cabs, dinners or anything really. I play by the book. I submit my taxes on time. I expected a refund from both federal and state.

Instead, I get a red letter from Uncle Scam.

You know, this is probably how they're paying for Iraq!

Good grief, America. I'm gonna start brushing up on my Canadian - I'm a little rusty, but I can speak enough to get by, to work an honest job, for a decent wage.

If It's Here When We Get Back, It's Ours

Friends,

Once upon a time, I was in high school. I know, I know, it seems hard to believe.

Well, at that time, there was a band. A very special band. Special to me anyway. They were called Texas is the Reason. For some reason (Get it? "Reason"? Oh nevermind.), the second I first heard them, I was instantly hooked. Did that ever happen to you? You hear a band or a songwriter and it just cuts right to you, you really have no choice in the matter. You're owned. For some people it was the Smiths, REM, Nirvana, the Clash or any number of great acts. Later in life, Elliott Smith's music would come to mean that much to me. But when I was seventeen, eighteen years old, for me, that band was Texas is the Reason.

I liked them so much, my friends couldn't even make sense of it. At a time when most of the music I listened to was a bunch of screaming dudes that needed to give their dad a hug, this band made me think altogether different thoughts and opened me up to a new kind of sound.

Since that time, they've long been broken up, my musical tastes have changed and countless bands have ripped them off to greater success than they ever enjoyed in their time together. But they still mean a lot to me. To this day, if I hear one of their songs, I'm 18 years old again, driving in my shitty car to go see the girl I have a crush on, thinking about what college is going to be like and wondering if something will ever mean more to me than the song I'm listening to right at that second. It's been ten years since they've been around, and I've done my fair share of living in that time, but there's something about this band that still feels like home, still makes so much sense. They're easy to go back to.

Anyway, I hope you'll check them out if you've never heard them before. They're really something special. Check out some of their songs here: Their MySpace Page. Recordings are available here: InSound.com.

As luck would have it, they are playing a reunion show soon. I can't tell you what that means to me, it just conjures up a range of emotions - and for a change, most of them are nice emotions. They're doing a one-off gig at Irving Plaza on Saturday, November 25, but you can by pre-sale tickets on their web sites tomorrow (Friday) at noon HERE and HERE.

I hope to see you there. It's going to be amazing.

Somewhere at my parent's house, I have this shirt in mustard yellow. As far as I know, it's the first shirt they ever made. It's nice to know it's still around.

I See a Darkness... On Latenight with Conan O'Brien

Anybody catch Bonnie Billy on Conan last night? Lot of receding hairlines, leg kicks and funny faces. I love it. His new album "The Letting Go" is pretty effing amazing. You better scoop that.

You can check the video of his performance here: IDOLATOR

Fun fact: Andrew WK is his piano player! What happened to that guy?



I was inspired to draw the first picture I've attempted in probably more than two years. It's no Rembrandt (and I ain't no Picasso), and it kind of resembles a relative of Gimlee the dwarve from Lord of the Rings, but I'm more pleased with it than I thought I'd be. Meh. I'll keep sketching and hopefuly the work will improve. It's a goal of mine now.

I'm also working on a story that's been kicking around in my head for about 4 years now. But I'm finally feeling free enough to give it a whirl. Fingers crossed. It's loosely based on real life, but not entirely. (Kind of like me, huh kids?) I'm just putting that out there before muthfuckas get all Million Little Pieces on my ass. But I think I was waiting for a few "chapters" to close in my own life before really committing to this thing.

Which isn't to say I'm fully committing to this now, but I'm sure thinking about it.

Like how I squeaked out of any possible responsibility at the end there? Yeah, this book should be done by the time your kids put you in a nursing home. But it'll make taking your meds and getting smacked around by the nursing staff a little easier to stomach. I hope. I mean, I don't want to aim too high.®

Good Advice on How To Take a Bike Ride

Hi Campers,

If you're going to take a bike ride, that's good. It's a zesty enterprise; it helps build leg muscles, work off that gut and it gets you from point A to point B.

If you do take a bike ride, and I highly recommend you do, I learned something today that will help you on your ride.

1. Go somewhere sunny, like a park. Maybe it's in Brooklyn?
2. Find a nice area to ride around in for a minimum of 7 minutes.
3. Using your portable audio device, listen to the Comets on Fire song "Lucifer's Memory."
4. Repeat as many times as necessary. For me, it was 3 times.

That's all. Man, are you gonna have an awesome ride!

xo,
D'Artagnan

PS - Here is a picture of my bike, Optimus Prime. On account of his talents:

I Might Actually Have a Relatively Nice Weekend

It's days like this I love the internets.

Some kind soul went and did me a solid by posting four new, previously unreleased Elliott Smith songs:

From a Poisoned Well
Talking to Mary
Let's Turn the Record Over
True Love

More info HERE.

In my universe, this is like saying Santa Claus dropped off a big bag of honey-dipped gold bars wrapped in pornography along with a tall glass of beer and a big plate of mac n'cheese, served on a tray made of chocolate and unicorn wishes by Scarlett Johannsen with that "come-hither" look in her eyes. At the beach.

Suddenly, I don't mind as much that I have to work on Saturday.

No, nevermind, that still sucks.

But at least I'm temporarily distracted. And that's all I'm really asking for in life, people. Just let me forget for a few minutes once in a while.

Is that so much to ask?

It Was The WORST Of Times, It Was The Best Of Times?

You know, life is one crazy trip, daddy-o. The day after the five year anniversary of, by far, the worst news I've ever received, I heard a piece of news that would make all that shit evaporate. Timing is everything.

Two of my favorite people in the world are getting married! They know who they are, even if you don't.

I woke up on Monday and I wanted to puke.
I went to bed on Tuesday with a smile on my face.

The way I've been feeling lately, going to bed with a smile on my face is like finding a hundred dollar bill in the washing machine. It's that rare and valuable to me.

A lot of shit can happen in five years. And thanks for showing me that you can make something good come out of probably the worst thing that can happen to a person. We can all learn a lesson from that. Shit, we can learn five.

Anyway, I wanted to post that to "brighten the corners" a bit on this page. Best of luck to you kids. This is great news and I couldn't be happier for you both.

She Was A Friend Of Mine

She was a friend of mine
Yeah, she was a friend of mine.

She never done no wrong.
A thousand miles from home,
She never harmed no one.
She was a friend of mine.

She was a friend of mine.
She was a friend of mine.
I... stole away and cried.
Because she was a friend of mine
Whose wind came rolling in
And whose heart was softly pounding.

And she was a friend of mine.
She was a friend of mine.
She never done no wrong.
A thousand miles from home,
She never harmed no one.

She was a friend of mine.

xo

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-- Robert Frost

This Week on NPR: How To Make Soup Out of Hugs

You know what's nice?

When your friends believe in you a hell of a lot more than you believe in yourself.

Sincerely,
Me

Intoxication Proclamation

Dear Internets,

I saw Comets on Fire tonight. They melted my face off and put a wax facade in its place. Like that weirdo with the mask in Vanilla Sky.

I just got home and I wanted to let you know: I'm drunk. Congratulations. I'm sorry.

Thanks. I hope you have a wonderful year. I'm really happy about the weather lately.

xo,
D'Artagnan

PS - I think this is funny:

But Suri-ously, Folks...

Wow. How do you *not* crack the fuck up when you look at this photo???

I don't know if you heard about this in the news, but supposedly, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes gave birth to a little baby Bjork.

Further proof, if any was needed, that Scientology is real.

"And It's Not Okay, Because If They Take My Stapler Then I'll Set The Building On Fire..."

You know, I kid around a lot, but gosh darnit, my job can be pretty awesome sometimes.

Like yesterday for example: I arrived early, trying to get a leg up on my workload from missing a whole entire day from the Labor Day holiday (global business sleeps for no American). However, when I arrived, my office’s server had crashed, meaning no email, no internet and no access to any of our work files. So everyone sat around and tried to look busy until everything was back online at 1:00 PM that day.

Then I worked with the Senior Vice President on a document until 8:00 PM. Let me tell you a little bit about the word “fulfillment.” It falls short of describing how I felt at the end of the day.

But here’s a clue: I had such a wonderful day that I went home at 8:30 PM, had some dinner and then went directly to bed at 10:00 PM, which I haven’t done since probably 7th grade.

Here’s hoping today is a little better.

I Call Bullshit

I would like to file a complaint.

I recently (less than 3 weeks ago) bought a new pair of jeans. I needed a new pair, the last ones were shot. So I decided to spend a few bucks and buy a really nice pair. I was very happy with them. The color, the cut, the fit. Everything was just fine.

EXCEPT, I just realized that they ALREADY have a hole in them.

Oh, and where is that hole located, you might ask? Maybe somewhere innocuous, but easy to spot, like the knee or along the leg somewhere?

No, no, no. It's in the crotch. Yeah. That's right.

And here's the kicker - know how I found this out? Did I spot them when I took them off for the day and folded them up? No. Did someone see it and politely point out this egregious tear? No. No. I found out - this is so great - when I looked at a picture of myself that someone just took of me today. I noticed something off in the aforementioned crotch, some slight discoloration, suggesting some early wear and tear. When I investigated further, I saw there was no wear, just tear.

I'm pissed. These fucking things are 3 weeks old! I won't even divulge what I paid for them, it disgusted me even at the time of purchase, but I rationalized it somehow. But now I'm ready to crack skulls about it.

I'm going to return them this week. Because, as a man once said while sitting in a movie theater in back of me while we watched a terrible movie: This shit is bullshit.

"Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems."

Spent my days with a woman unkind,
Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.

Made up my mind to make a new start,
Going to California with an aching in my heart.

Someone told me theres a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.

Took my chances on a big jet plane,
Never let them tell you that they're all the same.

The sea was red and the sky was grey,
Wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.

The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake
As the children of the sun began to awake.

Seems that the wrath of the gods
Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow;
I think I might be sinking.

Throw me a line if I reach it in time
Ill meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.

To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings, la la la la.

Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin to find a woman whos never, never, never been born.

Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

My Mouseketeer Hat Is On Drugs!!!

This just in:

Wow, this is the best quote I've seen in a long time. Thank you, America, for giving a microphone and a message to every idiot who wants it bad enough.

Justin Timberlake on his new album "FutureSex/LoveSounds" - (nice fucking name, by the way, moron)

"I wanted (the album) to look to a time when everything was really sexy," he says. "Maybe everybody was coked up, but who cares? It was hot. It was all about sex."














Wow, that's deep.

Here's a first: I can't think of one single response to this. It stands on its own, glowing and dripping in a syrup-sweet pool of idiocy.

Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads...

By the way, chums. I've been doing some thinking lately.

Shit has *got to* get better. Pronto.

And I think the only way to do it is to start making some changes.

So stick around. Things could get interesting.

Born To Be Mild

Check out this bozo.















This was moments before he found out mom and pop took away his phone.

"How Rude!"

Hi there True Believers,

Not much to report this week, I'm afraid. I did attend a lovely art opening at my friend BJ's studio. He's doing some amazing sculpture work for some historical fixtures that will eventually find their way into museums. I went into DUMBO Brooklyn for it, checked out some great sculptures, had some Brie sandwiches, drank some cold Buds, avoided a massive rainstorm and then went to dinner with a bunch of buddies. I had stuffed chicken, filled with olives, spinach and sun-dried tomatoes. Tasty treats.

This evening I went to see Jeremy Enigk. It was refreshing for so many reasons. I've been feeling relatively passionless lately. Kind of numb. But when he played, I was bobbing to the rhythm like a mall punk at a secret acoustic death cab for cutie concert.

But honestly, that guy plays with an voice you don't hear everywhere. And, I mean, he's got a fantastic *voice*, but I'm talking about his "voice" - the distinct and original feeling you get when you hear him. He hasn't made a solo album in over 10 years, but he still sold out the Bowery Ballroom, and with good reason. His songwriting is priceless. It has a naturally imbedded theatricality that just captures you every time. Doesn't matter if I'm 18 or 28, it roots you where you stand. That doesn't happen often for me. And I'm not sure I'd enjoy it if it happened with any other songwriter, but it works for Jeremy.

At any rate, it's late and I have to go to sleep now. I'm supposed to go to the beach tomorrow. We'll see, I have my doubts it will ever happen.

Sorry this wasn't very funny. You'll see over time that I'm not always funny, and in fact, most of the time I'm not. Yeah, it's a world of disappointment you're about to jump into.

Well, in the spirit of being even mildly amusing, here is a picture of one of the Olsen Twins (does it matter which one? does it really fucking matter?) wearing a Metallica "Damage, Inc." t-shirt. But wait - that's not evening the funniest part! Any mallrat with a debit card can get a Metallica shirt at Sam Goody. But what's amazing to me is not the picture, the shirt, or even the Olsen involvement. No, it's the title of the picture, which is how I found it in the first place. The picture is called, "You're Not Alowed." I think all art should have a disclaimer like that.

Anyway, here' s the offending picture. Do you think even knows who or what a Pushead is? I just love the idea that an Olsen has angst or inner conflict over anything except what Prada garbage bag to use or what kind of sushi to throw up. They are fascinating little beasts.

My Month of August - In Pictures!

Work:
















Tubing:











King of Beers:
























An Audience with The Prince:















The Beach:













Personality Juice:























Sunny Day Real Estate Agent:


























More work:
















Lost Angeles:




























Road Trip:














San Francisco:



























Labor Day Weekend:
















Back to work:

Imagine "Goodbye Horses" Playing in the Background...

This was sent to me, and all I can say is "wow."

Does everyone know what J-Date is? It's an exclusively Jewish dating service. Anyway, apparently this guy meets a girl on J-Date and takes her out for dinner at a restaurant called the China Grill. Apparently, she offers to split the $100.00 bill, but he insists on paying. They never go out again. And this is the aftermath.

You know, I'm not exactly the Cassanova of the century, and that's okay with me (actually, no it's not okay). But shit. I gotta be better than this guy, right? I mean, he makes the paperboy from "Better Off Dead" seem like an emo pushover. Granted, that was only over two dollars, and this is fifty, but wow, it's time to get some therapy buddy.

I'm glad I heard this though, because now I know that no matter how bad things get, I'm not as bad as this wingnut.

Right?

Ladies?

Uh... fellas?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Talk to me, Goose, talk to me...



UPDATE: You can read about the whole saga in its entirety HERE. Wow part two.

This Guy's Balludos Don't Fit In the Room

Dear Chi-Chis,

Something you’ll learn about me: I love making lists. Just ask the girl I recently went on a blind date with – our pre-date emails were full of them. Although, I could make another list of why we didn’t have a second date. But don't get me started - hey, is this thing on?

Well, my point being that you’re getting a loving spoonful of lists right now. I’ll keep em short but semi-sweet.

List of dirty words/expressions I learned to say in Argentinean Spanish this weekend:

- What balls! (Balludos!)

- Tiny/medium/giant pussy (Actually I forget, but I did learn all those sizes)

- Crazy pussy (chi-chi loca)

Okay, so that’s really all the words I learned, but boy howdy, was it fun. I learnt them from a positively charming and sweet couple who know a couple of my friends. We spent the weekend on Long Beach Island. It was complètement fantastique. But the water was so cold, I could barely stay in for more than 2 minutes. Anyone who’s been to the beach with me knows how criminal that is. We chatted about all manner of subjects (other than vaginas), ate lots of grilled veggie treats, drank an Argentinean drink called a Fernando and generally horsed around and laughed. I’m a happy puppy dog today.

Plus, on my way home, I got to do something I haven’t done in weeks and that truly brings me a rare and inimitable feeling of joy: record shopping. It’s so relaxing and pleasant, I really don’t know why I’ve not gone in so long. Anyway, here is a list of awesome records I got. I’m so excited to dig in to them!

- Gram Parsons – Complete Reprise Sessions

- Triple disc, re-mastered, original artwork, bonus tracks, oh my!) Gram to me is like Johnny Cash fused with Elliott Smith, which is about as awesome as it gets. Kinda breaks your heart, but so damn good.

- Them – The Story of Them

- Van Morrison’s old band – no less than 50 tracks! Imagine Van the Man rocking out like Mick Jagger with an even bigger drinking problem. Now I can die happy.

- Steely Dan – Can’t Buy a Thrill

- I’m just now getting into these guys, but I love the song “Dirty Work.” From what I’ve heard, I’m sure I’ll love the whole thing.

- Awesome Color – s/t

- What’s in a name? They’ve got a dirty Detroit sound ala MC5 and the Stooges. Sounds good to me. This is new, so I’ll let you know.

- Thin Lizzy – Bad Reputation

- This record is totally badass and I don’t know why I never owned it before. Power pop with about 3,000 guitar riffs per song and some truly dudely lyrics.

- Terry Reid – Seed of Memory

- More awesome tunes from the dude who almost got to be Robert Plant. Really a wonderful songwriter in his own right, who seems to only recently be getting his propers. Look into him – he’s the stuff!

- Sleepy Jackson – Personality

- Holy crap I love this band. They’re so weird and off-beat. Yet extremely technical and perfect psych-pop songcrafters. Take some vitamin C, breath in a helium balloon and blast off to this oddball dreamworld.

- Thom Yorke – The Eraser

- A light, soft-sounding electronic album of twisted tunes from our pal Thom. It’s really lovely, in a kinda creepy way.

One last thing. I picked up a book (well, a ginormous zine really) today too. It’s called Penny-Ante and it’s pretty god damn rad. Two friends of mine, Alexandra K and Solveig, have some poetry in it and there are a million other artists, writers and musicians featured. You can get the book here, and I recommend that you do, chi-chis.

xo

me