Dispatches From The Ledge

If You're Having As Bad A Week As I Am...

2008-10-30T09:00:00.001-07:00

Maybe this picture will cheer you up.

It worked for me!

S'True!

2008-10-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Memory, Memory, Memory

2008-09-11T01:53:00.000-07:00

Remembrance is a golden chain
Death tries to break, but all in vain.
To have, to love, and then to part
Is the greatest sorrow of one's heart.
The years may wipe out many things
But some they wipe out never.
Like memories of those happy times
When we were all together.
- Author Unknown

Missing you very much today, my friend.

xo

Hallelujah

2008-08-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

ABOUT
FUCKING
TIME.

Old George Is Up On the Roof

2008-06-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What's that--a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old-age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school.
You become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby, you go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating.
.......and you finish off as an orgasm!

- George Carlin

Comrades, with a heavy heart I must report the death of another American great. Mr. George Carlin has left the building. Bought the farm. Told his last fart joke. Blasphemed his last deity. Or, as the man himself (a committed Frisbeetarian) would say, his frisbee's up on the roof and it ain't coming down. You can cross him out of your address books. Just wait 6 weeks first. (Another favorite hobby of his.)

I'm keeping this light, because that's what George did. (I would never say "that's what he would have wanted," because he would have skinned me alive and fed me to the Jesus-freaks if I did.) In fact, I'm reticent to even use a cliché like "Rest in Peace" because he'd have questioned that too ("How the hell else is someone supposed to rest??? Excitedly???")

That's what he did: questioned things. He examined, dissected, deconstructed, learned and of course, mocked. He could identify the most amazing discoveries in the most inane of topics:

"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?"
"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"
"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?"
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

Needless to say ("Then why say it???"), George will be missed. Very few people in the world probably knew him personally, but everyone knew him to a degree, because he left it all on the stage. You knew the way he thought, the lengths to which he'd go to make a joke, and you've probably got at least 2 or 3 favorite jokes of his bouncing around in your skull at any given point during the day. As the man said, you are all diseased! But your disease is an ability to laugh at the world's absurdity, thanks in no small part to this demented genius.

So George, although it pains me to write this, we'll miss you, but we'll leave that frisbee on the roof, right where it is. It was some throw that got it up there, that's for sure.

To all the rest of you, I leave you with the closest thing to a blessing that George would ever voice:

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Here's a few more words of wisdom from the man himself:

On Death:

On Religion:

On the Seven Words You can Never Say on Television:

Tim Russert, You Will Be Missed

2008-06-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight a giant in the world of news media passed away: Tim Russert, longtime host of "Meet the Press" and a major force in the NBC News family. Tim apparently died of a heart attack, at the age of 58, just this evening, after returning from a trip to Italy with this family.

I'm truly at a loss for words. I'll never forget watching Tim report the news and opinions of the world during the 2000 election, the tragedy of 9/11, the war in Afghanistan, the entire epic of the Iraq war, and most recently, the 2008 primary campaign. He was, in my eyes, the pinnacle of what a news journalist should be: informed, intuitive, patient and persistent. I learned more about the world by watching Tim Russert explain it to me.

I'm truly upset by this news - the world has suffered a great loss this evening.

Here is a nice tribute that NBC put together for Tim, which barely scratches the surface of this absolute titan:

YES WE CAN.

2008-06-03T21:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Ledgers,

I haven't written in a while. I've been busy, distracted and otherwise occupied. But on the evening of such auspicious news, I'll make an exception.

Nice work, America. On to November!

Namasté,
D'Artagnan

PS - Please enjoy this old timey number from another fellow American:

"Mekka-lekka hi mekka hiney ho!"

2008-04-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

This is really so unbelievable, I can scarcely find the words to describe it.

I'll just say that our president apparently has so little to do and is so completely out to lunch, he has resorted to loaning himself out for cameos on shitty TV game shows.

That's our president. He looks like Jambi from Peewee's Playhouse for god's sake!!!

Every time I think he's reached a new level of idiocy, he continues to lower the bar. Good grief. I'm actually starting to miss Karl Rove - say what you will about ol' Turd Blossom, this kind of shit would never have happened on his dime. (He prefers other forms of pageantry, of course.)

What's on schedule for next week, an appearance on Gossip Girl??? OMFG!

"No Regrets"

2008-03-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

Below is a detailed list of Iraq "by the numbers" released by Senator Harry Reid's office. Many of these numbers are nothing short of horrifying. I would encourage everyone to read them (note, they are referenced for verification) and think about how much longer we can possibly keep this charade going.

Even when this war makes headlines every day, it can all have a tendency to blur together. So please, take a look at the toll this war has taken on our country and the world, and keep these numbers in mind in considering your candidate this year.

And if these figures don't get your blood boiling enough, perhaps you could click this link and read more about the situation from a far more ignorant and malevolent perspective: "Five years on, Bush says no regrets on Iraq war."

Absolutely disgusting.

REMINDER: IT'S AN ELECTION YEAR!

The numbers:

The Cost to Our Forces in Iraq

3,990: American troops who have died in Iraq since the start of the war. [icasualties.org, 3/17/08]
29,395: Number of U.S. service members that have been wounded in hostile action since the start of U.S. military operations in Iraq. [AP, 3/11/08]
60,000: Number of troops that have been subjected to controversial stop-loss measures--meaning those who have completed service commitments but are forbidden to leave the military until their units return from war. [US News and World Report, 2/25/08]
5: Number of times the 3rd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment has been sent to Iraq. They are the first Marine Corps unit to be sent to Iraq for a fifth time. [San Francisco Chronicle, 2/27/08]
2,100: Number of troops who tried to commit suicide or injure themselves increased from 350 in 2002 to 2,100 last year. [US News and World Report, 2/25/08]
11.9: Percent of noncommissioned Army officers who reported mental health problems during their first Iraq tour [Los Angeles Times, 3/7/08]
27.2: Percent of noncommissioned Army officers who reported mental health problems during their third or fourth Iraq tour [Los Angeles Times, 3/7/08]

The Cost to Our Military Readiness

88: Percent of current and former U.S. military officers surveyed in a recent independent study who believe that the demands of the war in Iraq have "stretched the U.S. military dangerously thin" [Foreign Policy/Center for New American Security, 2/19/08]
94: Percent of Army recruits who had high school diplomas in Fiscal Year 2003 [Larry Korb, The Guardian, 10/12/07]
79: Percent of Army recruits who had high school diplomas in Fiscal Year 2007 [Larry Korb, The Guardian, 10/12/07]
4,644: Number of new Army recruits who were granted moral waivers in Fiscal Year 2003. [Houston Chronicle, 10/14/07]
12,057: Number of new Army recruits who were granted moral waivers in Fiscal Year 2007. [Houston Chronicle, 10/14/07]
67: Percent of captains the Army managed to retain this year, short of its goal of 80 percent, and in spite of cash bonus incentives of up to $35,000 [Armed Services Committee Hearing, 2/26/08]

The Cost to Our National Security

1,188: Number of global terrorist incidents from January - September 11th, 2001. [American Security Project, "Are We Winning?," September 2007]
5,188: Number of global terrorist incidents in from January- September 11th, 2006. [American Security Project, "Are We Winning?," September 2007]
30: Percent increase in violence in Afghanistan from 2006 to 2007. [Reuters, 10/15/07]
21: Number of suicide bombings in Afghanistan in 2001. [Center for American Progress, "The Forgotten Front," 11/07]
139: Number of suicide bombings in Afghanistan in 2006, with an additional increase of 69 percent as of November 2007. [Center for American Progress, "The Forgotten Front," 11/07]
30: Percent of Afghanistan controlled by the Afghan Government according to DNI Mike McConnell. [Associated Press, 2/27/08]
2,380: Days since September 11th, 2001 that Osama Bin Laden has been at-large.

The Cost of Funding the War in Iraq

$50-60 Billion: Bush Administration's pre-war estimates of the cost of the war. [New York Times, 12/31/02]
$12 Billion: Direct cost per month of the Iraq War. [Washington Post, Bilmes and Stiglitz Op-Ed, 3/9/08]
$526 Billion: Amount of money already appropriated by Congress for the War in Iraq. [CRS, 2/22/08]
$3 Trillion: Total estimated cost of the Iraq War. [Washington Post, Bilmes and Stiglitz Op-Ed, 3/9/08]
$5 Trillion - $7 Trillion: Total cost of wars in Iraq and Afghanistan accounting for continued military operations, growing debt and interest payments and continuing health care and counseling costs for veterans. [McClatchy, 2/27/08]
160: Percent that the cost of the Iraq War has increased from 2004 to 2008. [CRS Report, 2/22/08]

The Cost to Iraqis and Journalists

8,000: Number of Iraqi military and police killed since June 2003. [Brookings Institute, Iraq Index, March 13, 2008]
82,000-89,000: Estimate of Iraqi civilians casualties from violence since the beginning of the Iraq War. [Iraq Body Count]
4.5 Million: Number of Iraqi refugees both inside and outside the country. [Washington Post, 3/17/08]
61: Percent of Iraqis that believe the U.S. military presence makes the security situation in Iraq worse. [Agence France-Presse, 3/17/08]
127: Number of journalists killed in Iraq since March 2003. [Committee to Protect Journalists]

Economic Costs of War in Iraq

$33.51: Cost of a barrel of oil in March 2003. [Energy Information Administration]
$105.68: Cost of a barrel of oil on March 17, 2008. [NYMEX]

U.S. Troops and Contractors in Iraq

132,000: Number of U.S. troops in Iraq in January 2007, before President Bush's escalation. [Brookings Institution, Iraq Index, 3/13/08]
155,000: Number of U.S. troops currently in Iraq. [Brookings Institution, Iraq Index, 3/13/08]
140,000: Number of U.S. troops projected to be in Iraq in July 2008. [Associated Press, 2/26/08]
35,000: Number of private security contractors operating in Iraq. [Human Rights First, Private Security Contractors at War]
180,000: Number of private contractors operating in Iraq. [Human Rights First, Private Security Contractors at War]

Progress Towards Political Reconciliation Made By Iraqis

3: Number out of 18 Bush Administration Benchmarks Met by Iraqi Government As of January 24, 2008. [Center for American Progress, 1/24/08]
18: Number of provinces President Bush said would be secured by Iraqis as of November 2007. [President Bush Speech, 1/10/07]
8: Number of provinces actually secured by Iraqis as of January 2008. [NPR, 1/7/08]

Bush-Republican Intransigence on Staying the Course in Iraq

8: Number of times a majority of the Senate has voted to change course in Iraq.
7: Number of times Bush Republicans in Congress have blocked changing course in Iraq.
1: Number of vetoes issued by the White House over changing course in Iraq.

This Music Geek Has Gone To Heaven

2008-03-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

Although life continues to throw its unending barrage of shit sandwiches my way, a deep, dark recess of my heart is still kindled by a remote flicker of joy.

Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

If nothing else, this digital barf bag of a blog has probably conveyed one thing: I am an unapologetic Elliott Smith fan. Do a search in the field above if you need evidence of that fact.

Well, recently, one of my favorite online music dealers, Aural Exploits (do click the link and pay them a visit), offered a reissue of Elliott's classic (and previously out of print) albums XO and Figure 8. Aural Exploits is offering both albums on limited edition (500 only!) colored vinyl.

As you might imagine, I pounced on that deal like a feral beast. And now, I'm happy to report, the sexy items in the image below are hurrying on their way to my house. And so, for a brief moment in a weary world, life is good.

Behold!

My Advice: Do Not Displease Keith Olbermann

2008-03-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

So by now, I'm guessing everyone has heard about Geraldine Ferraro mouthing off about Obama. She maintains her innocence vehemently and is now suggesting that she herself is in fact the target of attack. Riiiiiight. *You're* the victim of an attack that *you* started. Makes a fella yearn for the simpler times, when Ann Coulter's crazy ass was the ideal of lunacy.

Let me ask you this - if ol' Gerry was so innocent, would the Wu-Tang Clan have written lyrics about her? I think not. As a matter of fact, I can't think of one instance when the Wu-Tang used improper judgement. The lyrics in question:

"I gamed Ella,
The bitch caught a Fitz like Gerald-ine Ferraro
Who’s full of sorrow, cuz the hoe didn’t win
But the sun will still come out tomorrow…"
- The Gza

Well, one good rant deserves another. And as many of you know, ain't nobody in the business that can rant like my boy Keith "The Doberman" Olbermann. Honestly, sometimes the guy seems just a pinstripe suit and a silk tie away from turning into Macho Man Randy Savage. And I mean that in the best way possible.

Watch him serve Hillary for not responding to Ferraro better and sooner. And old Geraldine gets some choice words herself :

The Wire, R.I.P.

2008-03-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

Last night was the series finale of The Wire. Man, I am really going to miss that show.

The finale brought a mix of resolution and disillusionment. Some characters got what was coming to them, and some got away with everything all over again. Although some of these results were disappointing or sad, in the end, it all felt honest and true to life. Which is what the show was always about.

Take a look at some great coverage of the finale:

The New York Times
The Baltimore Sun (perhaps a bit prickly about how they were portrayed this season)
The Onion AV Club (and a separate interview with creator David Simon HERE)
Time Magazine (a colletive op-ed from the Wire writing team, calling for some good old fashioned American dissent in response to the drug war's impact on the US prison system)

Also, for more backstory on this excellent program, please see my previous post about it. I can't recommend a TV show more - buy, rent or steal these DVDs if you have to! It's a show that simply shouldn't be missed.

As detective Kima Greggs said in a recent episode, as she tucked her adopted son (and the entire city of Baltimore) in for bed:

Goodnight moon,

Goodnight stars,

Goodnight po-pos,

Goodnight fiends,

Goodnight hoppers,

Goodnight hustlers,

Goodnight scammers,

Goodnight to everybody,

Goodnight to one and all.

Many Bothans Died to Bring Us This Information

2008-02-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

In yet another instance of life imitating art imitating Star Wars, I just read today that the United States is planning to shoot down a runaway spy satellite, before it enters the earth's atmosphere. Word on the street is that this is a pre-emptive strike, hoping to stop the leak of a deadly toxic gas from its fuel tank.

Wait, what???

Let me see... I guess we're fighting the satellite there, so we don't have to fight it here? Because, as everyone knows, if you don't eradicate a satellite while you have the chance, it will follow you home. Question: can we use waterboarding on a satellite?

In all honesty, why do I have the sneaking suspicion that perhaps it's not a Michael Bay-worthy film premise that is causing us to blow this thing up, but perhaps something else? An idea that wasn't cooked up by the mind of a 13 year old?

Oh wait - incoming message:

... the decision to shoot it down was taken by the President, George W Bush, after being told its re-entry could cause deaths.

Aha!

However, some experts believe the risk is minimal and that the US wants to test out its missile-defence system.

The satellite is also carrying militarily-sensitive imaging sensors which the US would not want to fall into the wrong hands. It is impossible to predict where the satellite will land until it enters the atmosphere.

Aha-Aha!

I rest my case. The quote above is unedited - it appeared exactly in that sequence in the article in the UK Telegraph. The simple combination of W wanting to blow it up, paired with the possibility of testing our blow-stuff-up capabilities and the very simple concept of it potentially having technology and information on it that we wouldn't want to share... well, as Tony Soprano once said, "You don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows." Indeed, Tony.

We sure cracked that case, didn't we Encyclopedia Brown?!

"We Are The Ones We've Been Waiting For"

2008-02-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

So we made it through Supercalafrajalistic-expialadocious Tuesday. And truthfully, for all my usual huffing and puffing on this site, I still haven't made up my mind as to who the hell I'm going to vote for this year.

For the first time in years, there really is a lot to consider and the candidates are actually interesting and complex. And the possibility that a woman or a person of color could take the job is enough to get me giddy. What a huge moment in time this is!

Obama is obviously the easiest to like. Sure, his experience isn't as extensive as his competitors, but in all fairness, that's probably to his credit! He hasn't been around long enough to get chewed up and repackaged in the political process. He's really bringing hope to people this year, like I've never seen before. What he lacks in history, he more than compensates for in energy and passion. He is the personfiication of a breath of fresh air, after the septic stench we've been breathing for almost eight years. I think he could do the job, with aplomb. But as an African-American, can he really get elected in this country? The skeptic in me wonders. But at his best moments, Obama makes my skepticism evaporate.

Hillary, we all know her. I think everyone has a good idea of what to expect from Hillary, and I don't think there's any mystery as to why some folks hate that and others love it. With Hillary, you don't get the same squeaky clean reputation as Obama, but you do get experience. She's been a senator for several years now and she was no slouch as a First Lady either. The question people need to ask is whether or not they want another Clinton in the White House again. That's a black and white issue almost (no pun intended, seriously). She also faces a similar problem to Obama, although not quite: is America ready to elect a woman to office? I'd like to think we are.

Hell, even John McCain isn't so bad. There are a few things I like about him. First of all, his experience is exemplary. He's been serving this country so long, both in the military and politically. And his military record and story is amazing - in fact it's unassailable, and as such, there's really no need to discuss it. Second, he stands as a reminder that a Republican doesn't have to be a crazy right wing bible hugger! Yes, it's true. He's certainly more conservative than a Democrat, but he's not nearly as conservative as the Bushies. Praise Allah. Even if McCain won the final election, it would still be a marked improvement on the kind of Republican we've come to know in recent years.

Mike Huckabee? Well, he is a more positive persona than Bush, but that's hardly a soaring accomplishment. Truth is, he's still a right wing bible hugger. I just can't get behind a leader whose priorities are oriented that way - he doesn't even believe in evolution! I think we've had enough of that "intelligent" thinking, thanks very much.

Romney, well, all I can say about him is he's no Mike Huckabee.

To be perfectly honest, I don't really care who anyone out there is planning to vote for, but there are two undeniable truths on the campaign trail this year:

1. I know everyone from Puff Daddy to your grandma is telling yout his, but it's true: Your vote counts. There are choices this year, there are gray areas, pros and cons for each candidate. And consequences - CONSEQUENCES! Now more than I can ever recall, it's important to get the vote out. I would like to believe that history would not repeat itself and we wouldn't get stuck with another person like the moron we've had for the last seven years, but... if W has taught me anything, it's that mediocrity always stands a chance in this country. So please vote. Please register to vote. Please help to ensure something better comes along.

2. All issues, politics, etc. aside - this guy is one hell of a public speaker! Can you blame people for getting excited about him???

I can't.

Good Grief, Charlie Bukowski!

2008-01-25T13:22:00.000-08:00

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

One of the Best Films I've Seen in a Long Time

2008-01-13T22:12:00.001-08:00

Simple as that. It's called "Once."

It's kind of a modern day musical about an Irish street busker and a Czech woman he meets that helps him take his music to the next level. It's really touching and beautifully filmed. And the music is fantastic. It stars Glen Hansard and a woman named Marketa Irglova. Glen is the lead singer and songwriter for the Irish band The Frames.

Highly recommended. Check out the trailer.

Here's a clip of one of the songs from the film. It's called "Falling Slowly."

The Associated Press: Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman

2008-01-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Wow, sometimes, my ability to still be disgusted by the world catches me by surprise.

Remember the long-winded, morose post I did about Season 5 of the Wire? About the collapse of the media and its role in society? Well, in a delcious dose of reality, check out the memo below, which was sent around internally at The Associated Press this week.

Yes, the Associated Press, the most expansive newswire in the world. The one that dictates a significant portion of the coverage you see in any newspaper or online news site.

Here's how they describe themselves on their own site:

"The Associated Press is the backbone of the world's information system serving thousands of daily newspaper, radio, television and online customers with coverage in all media and news in all formats. It is the largest and oldest news organization in the world, serving as a source of news, photos, graphics, audio and video.AP's mission is to be the essential global news network, providing distinctive news services of the highest quality, reliability and objectivity with reports that are accurate, balanced and informed."

Yeah, that sounds really nice.

Now take a look at this Holy Horseshit, which was circulated to AP staff this week by Assistant Chief Frank S. Baker:

The end is nigh, my friends.

Look out next week when Reuters issues a tell-all exposé on Hannah Montana, whoever the fuck that is. (The way things are going, I'm sure I'll know who she is soon enough.)

You Literally Can't Make This Shit Up (Part Trois!)

2008-01-03T16:54:00.000-08:00

Boy, Sia, you really said it. That is one great name for an album.

Well, it's a great name for anything, really. And fucking best of all, this is actually the goddamn album cover!

Wow, this is so great! And it's not even my birthday. It looks like something from Dave Attell's imagination. I know this is early out of the gates, but I'm thinking this is a strong contender for the best idea of 2008.

If anyone needs me for the next 12 months, I'll be over there in the corner, quietly giggling and peeing my pants.

[Insert Lyrics to Nirvana's "All Apologies"]

2008-01-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

Many apologies to the poor people who recently scoured the internet for The Most Important News of 2007 only to stumble upon this dumb site, and in particular, this dumb post.

But really, like most things, it's R. Kelly's fault.

The Longest Post Ever About The Best Show Ever

2008-01-02T00:46:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, we live in bittersweet times. At best. I hope you didn't need me to tell you that. I find every day is a battle to take the good within the context of the bad that gets doled out. It takes discipline not to investigate the ratios of good to bad, because if you look too closely, you're not going to like what you see.

And in this dour spirit, I find it no surprise whatsoever that my favorite show on television is The Wire.

If you're reading this now, I hope this is not the first time you have heard of this show. If so, I'm sorry, because you've missed out on some fantastic writing, acting and dedication to the craft of storytelling. But if you've never heard of the show, I'm not surprised. The Wire has been plagued with low audience figures since it was first conceived (such is the plight of many intelligent programs). The audience it does retain, however, is a rabid group of similarly addicted viewers like myself.

The micro view of The Wire is that it is a modern crime drama, depicting the two sides of the drug war in America. You see the story unfold from both the police perspective and the criminal perspective. And there are "good guys" and "bad guys" on both sides, for certain. It doesn't paint a very pretty picture of the world - there are drug dealers who you actually find yourself rooting for and there are police officers that embody the worst qualities humanity has to offer. And there are thousands of gray areas in between of course. It's not the prettiest picture, but it is a compelling one.

The macro view... well, that's where things get really dark.

In its essence, The Wire is really the story of the decline of civilization - or, at least, American civilization. It tells the tale of political, municipal, administrative corruption that occurs in surround sound at all times. These forces align to create a block that prevents progress, discourages independent thinking and alienates both the working class and civilians in general. This confluence of negative forces perpetuates societal norms and dysfunction that extends to both the street-level drug game and the political powers at the highest level of government.

Just give me a second to catch my breath here.... phew.

The Wire has illustrated this systematic degradation on a variety of intertwining levels:

Season 1 exposed the street-level impact of the drug trade, as well as the bureaucratic webs that even the most dedicated of police officers have to negotiate in order to do good police work. Often, both systems work profoundly against their own workforce.

Season 2 shed light on the death of the working class. These are the people that once comprised the "salt of the earth" and did the work that made industry and modern civilization happen. In this case, it is shown as dockworkers. Men and women who start with honest intentions, but eventually are drawn into the tangled webs of criminal activity and survivalist behavior. In other words, they mimic similar patterns to the cop/criminal structure exposed in Season 1.

Season 3 again goes back to a street level perspective, but with a keen focus on how street-level issues impact the political game. Here we see the genesis of a political campaign striving for a "new day" in Baltimore. Guess what? It never happens. When one police captain takes the initiative to legalize drugs or as he states it "elects to ignore them," even the best of political intentions wash away in the fray, for the sake of self-preservation.

Season 4, perhaps the most unnerving of all so far, incorporates all the levels of the story so far - the cops, the criminals, the politicians and then extends the story to a new audience: the next generation. Or, in other words, it examines the failure of the education system, which does its part to perpetuate the continued divergence and struggles among the various factions of society.

Season 5 purports to add yet another level of noise to the story: the media.

Speaking of Season 5, it officially begins this Sunday, January 6th. I had the opportunity to watch the season premiere and it did not disappoint. If you have never seen the Wire, and you've read this far, I invite you to check it out this season, because it is the final season. Rather than ramble on into oblivion, the powers behind The Wire have elected to bow out gracefully, after telling a gritty, compelling and truly inspiring story, completely on its own terms.

I know the description above probably doesn't sound like much of a fun time, but I promise you, once you've sunk your teeth into this show, you won't be able to stay away. It's absolutely enthralling. And as the original slogan for the show suggested, I would agree: Listen Carefully.

The Wire airs Sundays at 9pm on HBO.

For the uninitiated, or the simply curious, following are a few links that may be of interest:

An overview on the series from creator David Simon.

A series of videos from a talk David Simon Gave at Loyola University in Baltimore.
Video 1
Video 2
Video 3

An excellent story on the Wire from The New Yorker.

And last, but certainly not least, just to show that all of this does have a sense of humor from time to time, here is a clip of one of the best scenes from the entire series. Detectives Bunk and McNulty investigate a crime scene and identify the method in which a shooting victim was attacked:

Sometimes, The Good Things Last

2007-12-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I just had a record-setting shitty week. I worked every day from December 3rd until yesterday (including the weekend). And it was pretty crappy the entire time, although, especially so at the end. I have some time off coming soon and it can't get here fast enough.

But I'm trying to keep positive. I'm trying to take comfort in the small things that make me happy. My new apartment, my friends, listening to music.

Which is why I was pleasantly surprised to learn that one of my favorite websites on the whole internets is still alive and kicking. CLICK HERE to check it out. I'm sure you'll grow to love it as much as I do.

Radiohead: In-Genius

2007-12-11T18:58:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just got my Radiohead In Rainbows 'discbox' in the mail today, and let me tell you, it's like they sent a big box of musical porn. Sonic pornography - that's what this is. And it was worth every penny, every pound, every shilling.

(To recap: The radiodudes let people choose between a free 120kbps download of the music, or a great big horking 'discbox', which basically contains all your hopes, dreams and fantasies [sexual or otherwise] from the last three years.)

With the discbox choice, you receive:
- The free 120k download (duh)
- In Rainbows 2 X LP
- In Rainbows CD
- In Rainbows bonus CD
- AMAZING artwork featuring splashes of florescent paint and pantone colors/fonts
- A book of the complete lyrics, embedded within the cardboard packaging
- An awesome 12x12 sleeve to house all this crazy stuff in

I couldn't be happier with it. Take a look at some pics I swiped from another site!

Now, bear in mind, In Rainbows is still growing on me. But it actually is growing, and that's a good thing.

When I first heard it, it had the initial cool factor that any new Radiohead release has, no question. But it didn't instantly reach out and grab me, the way The Bends did once, or even the way Kid A did the first time I heard it. I think it is a good album, however, and one that I will like more as time goes by. Hell, I didn't even like OK Computer the first few times I heard that, and, at this point, I think it's safe to say they did all right with that record. OK, even.

With this idea of an album being "a grower" in mind, more and more, I'm beginning to think Radiohead are absolute geniuses (wow, nobody's ever said that before! let me finish...) in how they marketed this album. Let's review:

The initial link lets them make money (or not) on a leak, on their own terms.
The discbox option lets them make a lot of money, and provide a great piece of art to their fans
Best of all, fans get the digital download early, so they can listen and get acclimated to the album for a few months, and then, they get to listen to it on lovely, lovely vinyl, once they've gained an ear for its subtleties.

In effect, they've coordinated this whole scheme in such a way that they actually help you to enjoy the album more with the discbox.

Clever little buggers.

I Want To Be Ben Chasny When I Grow Up

2007-11-28T21:14:00.001-08:00

Note to any aspiring guitarists out there: Keep practicing.

Turd Blossom: Now With 100% More Turd

2007-11-28T12:30:00.001-08:00

Karl Rove. Why, just saying his name makes me want to brush my teeth to get the taste out.

What can I say about the man that W affectionately dubbed "Turd Blossom" that would or could make him sound any worse than he could make himself sound? Answer: nothing. He doesn't need any help from me to incriminate himself, unfortunately.

Turdy McTurdleston has achieved a new, unprecedented level of evil though, so I did feel the need to mark the occasion. What did fattypants do this time, you ask? Well, you know that Iraq war that everyone's talking about? The one Rove-o-tron helped to orchestrate and profit from? Yeah, that one.

Well, it seems ol' Karl has decided to weigh in on it (emphasis on "weigh" LOLZ!) after all this time, to address the mistakes that have been made and finally take the people who rushed us into battle to task. Because of a select group of terrible, awful, no-good people, we jumped into a battle we had no hopes of winning, occupied a country that does not want us there, instigated civil war that shows no sign of dissipating and, oh, by the way, cost our own country billions of dollars and most imporantly, thousands of innocent, well-intentioned lives.

So who are these as-yet-unnamed warmongers that Rove went on national television and cited as the source of this whole mess? Well I'll tell you! None other than... the United States Congress!

Wait a second... the United States Congress??? Wait, that doesn't make any sense... I'm pretty sure that's not correct at all... and my girlfriend Arianna agrees with me!

The evidence that it was President Bush and Vice President Cheney -- and not Congress -- who were hungry for war is overwhelming. For starters, we have Bush's own words before the vote, when he explicitly told Congress that "it's in our national interest" to get the vote "done as quickly as possible." And the insistence of then-Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld that "delaying a vote in Congress would send the wrong message." And the words of then-Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle who says that when he asked Bush in September 2002 why there was such a rush for a vote on Iraq the president "looked at Cheney and he looked at me, and there was a half-smile on his face. And he said: 'We just have to do this now.'"

And there is the insider evidence provided by Richard Clarke, who wrote that within hours of the 9/11 attacks, this administration had its heart set on heading into Iraq. And from Paul O'Neill, who made it clear that invading Iraq had been Bush's goal before he had even learned where the Oval Office supply closet was.

So I was right after all! Karl Rove is rewriting history for his own purposes! Thanks Arianna, you're the bestest gal ever.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we learned something today: Turd Blossom is decidedly evil and definitely full of shit. He's positively blossoming with it.

Oh, I guess... we already knew that. Hmm.

But... if the GOP has taught us anything, it's that repetition is essential to convincing someone to see your side of the truth.

But... if the GOP has taught us anything, it's that repetition is essential to convincing someone to see your side of the truth.

But... if the GOP has taught us anything, it's that - oh, you get the point.

The Greatest Invention Since the Hoverboard

2007-11-26T09:33:00.001-08:00

This holiday season, I would urge everyone to remember what's most important: keeping warm.
And right behind that, I'd say: beards.

As someone with a beard who is also trying to keep warm, imagine my delight when I stumbled upon this truly genius creation - The Beard Cap!

Ever wonder what you'd look like with a beard? What your boss, nephew, mom or girlfriend would look like?

Well, wonder no more, with this handy invention! Thanks to a brilliant Scandinavian designer named Vik Prjónsdóttir, Now you (or your mom) can stay warm all winter and still give passers-by a serious case of the chuckles, which will help them to keep warm also.

If you, or your mom, would like to purchase one of these amazing devices, you may do so for the bargain price of $130 (who can really put a price on warmth and beards though?) at a store called Scandinavian Grace, in Brooklyn.

Ladies and Gentlemen (And People That Visit This Site)

2007-11-20T22:25:00.001-08:00

I present to you, one of my favorite musical acts of all time, the one and only: Six Organs of Admittance!

Also known as the talented Ben Chasny, this constantly shape-shifting music project never ceases to amaze me with its ability to redefine itself with every new release. Chasny is a picker if ever there was one, and his talent and craft are only eclipsed by his sheer humbleness. To see Six Organs play live is to see an artist paint. But he paints in such a way that you never see the brush move - all you get is bursts of color and emotion. Fine by me.

But seriously, folks: BenChasny

Ben/6OoA just released a brilliant new album called "Shelter From the Ash." It's about as cheery as the title might suggest. But what it lacks in glee, it more than makes up for in its ability to roll them stones. The subject matter traffics heavily in paranoia, anger, apocalyptic visions, fear and all out desperation. But something about an album as beautiful and masterfully rendered as this one makes me smile. Honesty like that has to be a good thing.

You know why? In my humber opinion, this world is lacking in artists. Real artists. Those who could care less whether they turn a dollar for any of their effort. Those who create just for the sake of creation. Those who let their work speak for itself. I say without a grain of my usual irony or sarcasm: Ben Chasny is one of these artists, in every sense possible.

Although the album officially dropped today, I actually caught a download of it months ago, and I've been digging on it the entire time. I think it receives The Dispatches from the Ledge Award for Best Reproduction of Hopelessness on an Album. Seriously, it makes perfect sense appearing on a web site masthead as bleak as this one.

And keep an eye out: he'll be touring in January. And as he himself says on track 4: "I'm coming to get you."

Here's a video for the title track off "Shelter From the Ash" for your listening and viewing pleasure. (And if you can guess how many guitar tracks are on this song, you win a free lunch!*)

*I cannot confirm that you will ever receive this lunch.

Even Radiohead Has Fun Once In A While

2007-11-11T07:51:00.000-08:00

For a band that has earned a reputation for taking themselves (and the world) rather seriously, Radiohead's appears to be having quite a bit of fun in the studio recently! Following the announcement and groundbreaking "digital-only" distribution of their new (and quite good) album "In Rainbows," they've also been releasing some fun video clips of them in the studio, playing cover songs. So far, we've seen covers of Bjork's beautiful song "Unravel" and now, a rocking version of The Smiths' angry "Headmaster Ritual."

Both are phenomenal songs to begin with, and it's really cool to see Radiohead having some fun working them out - there's actually some smiles and laughs involved! On the Smiths song especially, you can just see that these guys have probably been rocking out to this song since they were 13. It's pretty cool. Check the videos out and enjoy:

The Smiths - "Headmaster Ritual" (Originally from the Meat is Murder album)

Bjork - "Unravel" (Originally from the Homogenic album)

Speaking Of Someone Who Deserves A "Villain Chair"

2007-11-09T23:39:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to jump the shark on how many times you can make people think you are an asshole?

President Bush would have us believe the answer to that is a resounding yes. Much like Fonzie, clad in his trademark leather jacket, once water-skied over a shark on Happy Days, thus negating any actual "cool" cred he had attained up until that point, President Bush has now surpassed even his own assholery. See THIS ARTICLE to see what's got my knickers in a twist this time.

I think most people are aware at this point that we are engaged in a war in Iraq. If not, throw that shit in a Google search and talk to me when you have a pulse.

Well, war is - to borrow a cliché term - hell. People die, people get horribly injured, disfigured, emotionally scarred, etc. That's why, when you're thinking of declaring war, you better have a very good fucking reason for it. Otherwise, you are putting lives in peril for no reason, or more accurately, for terrible, selfish reasons. Lives of trusting, honorable men and women, who only want to do the right thing for their country, and trust that their leadership would only have them act for a worthy and noble cause. Instead, they got WMDs and a country that has erupted in violent civil war.

This past Thursday, the president went to visit Iraq veteran soldiers at rehabilitation center in Texas. Some of these soldiers were disfigured and permanently injured in the line of duty. Their strength and fortitude can only be further expressed by how graciously they received a visit by the very man who put them in harms way. The greeted their president with respect and humility. Whether he deserved it is another matter (no), but their gesture is commendable regardless.

For his part, Bush played his "regular guy" card and played video games with them. Video games. And not just any video games. War games. Are you kidding me? If it weren't so horrendously tragic, the irony would be laughable: the man who sent these brave souls off to war, where they suffered terrible injuries, then adds further insult to these same injuries by paying them a visit to "play" at "shooting the bad guys" (Dana Perino's words, not mine). It's insulting, in every way that an insult can be.

I can't believe this guy still makes me as sick as he does. After 7 years, you'd think I'd have gotten used to his deplorable behavior, grown a thicker skin or just learned to tune him out and ignore it all. But apparently I haven't. Take a look at the pictures of him with these heroic troops, literally laughing in the face of their sacrifices, and I am sure you will feel the same.

He's outdone even himself this time. I can't even believe it.

This Chair Went To Five Years of Evil Medical School

2007-11-06T22:02:00.000-08:00

Have you people heard of this beautiful beast?

It's called "The Villain Chair" and tell me it doesn't look the part!

This is the chair that Darth Vader sits in after a long day running the Deathstar. Princess Leia was probably busting his balls, Palpatine was riding him about keeping the damn thing on budget and then his shitty kid wants to mouth off at him about why he should vote for the Green Party instead of the GOP. So he cracks open a cold one, sits down in his Villain Chair, watches reruns of the time they blew up Aalderan and dreams of a life that does not so closely resemble his own.

Looks pretty god damn good, doesn't it? Want one? It's yours for the bargain price of $7,200!

And you know what? I bet it's totally fucking worth it.

Bill Maher's Wallet Says "Bad Motherf--ker" On It

2007-11-06T06:57:00.000-08:00

Wow, this is so awesome.

Quick synopsis: On Bill Maher's final epsisode of "Real Time" this season, a couple of raisin cakes* got loose in the studio audience and started to disrupt the show - shouting things about a 9/11 consipracy. Because, you know, obviously Bill Maher was behind 9/11.

CLICK HERE to watch how readily Maher dispatches the morons.

It's a great moment and a reminder of why live TV can actually still be interesting. Often, "Real Time" falls into a formula (albeit a consistently funny and thought-provoking formula), but this clip shows how easily the balance can be upset. It also makes for interesting television and reminds you that Bill Maher is a seasoned vet when it comes to giving hecklers the hatchet.

* Thank you to Patton Oswalt for the wonderful term "raisin cake" for a crazy person.

Jon Stewart: Patron Saint of the Writer's Room

2007-11-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

Jon Stewart, you are a class act.

In the midst of this gi-normous writer's strike that is happening now (and that nobody seems to be able to stop writing about), some refreshing news appears: Jon Stewart will be personally paying his writing staff (as well as those at the Colbert Report) out of his own pocket for the next two weeks, to make sure his team is not hurt by expenses that may come up while their pay is suspended during that time. Read more HERE.

What a guy! Correction: what a smart, generous guy!

Not only is this great news for his writers, but this is a win for him and his audience too, in the long run. A paid staff is a happy staff, is a staff that doesn't quit and go somewhere else! Stewart has an award-winning writing team, and he's smart enough to realize it. This means the show will continue to be awesome, even after the strike ends, because the team will still be intact.

Bravo to Stewart, for showing solidarity and remembering what it was like when he was a writer just like them.

My Fifteen Site Visits of Fame

2007-11-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went to a wondeful concert performance by a gentleman named Sufjan Stevens. The kids love him. He was presenting a symphonic piece he had developed on the BQE (or the Bronx-Queens Expressway to its friends). Coincidentally, it was called "BQE". This all took place at the lovely BAM Opera house in Brooklyn. A lovelier concert experience I could not hope to find.

I wrote a description of the event HERE, for my friend Kristian's musical site.

And wouldn't you know it, that post got picked up by some Vegans From Brooklyn!

Pretty neat. Thanks Sufjan, thanks Kristian, thanks Vegans, thanks mom and dad - WE DID IT!!!!!

Like Dylan In The Movies

2007-10-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

Bob Dylan: I'm Not There

Is anybody else as excited for this film as I am????? Ye gods, people!

It's a part-biography, part art film about Bob Dylan, directed by Todd Haynes (Far from Heaven, Safe). It's coming out on November 21. Dylan is played by six different actors, including Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Richard Gere and Cate Blanchett.

More info here: The Official Site

I get giddy just thinking about it. Haynes apparently has spent the past several years working on this film because he wanted it to be sure it adhered to his vision. I am a huge Dylan fan, and the soundtrack is filled with some of my favorite artists, all covering Dylan. I feel like I came up with this idea in my own head once in college.

Go here to listen to some covers of Dylan by Cat Power (a PERFECT rendition of 'Memphis Blues'), Sufjan Stevens, Jeff Tweedy and Jim James from My Morning Jacket. All the songs I've heard so far have sounded absolutely amazing. You can hear how much fun they had doing the covers. Take a listen here: The I'm Not There Myspace Page

Bonus: They're having a big concert at the Beacon Theater in NYC to celebrate the soundtrack too! I'm going. Ticket sales benefit 826, which is Dave Eggers' children's literacy project, one of my favorite charities. More details on that here: I'm Not There Concert

Here's the full soundtrack listing - it really doesn't get any cooler than this!

Disc 1
1. Eddie Vedder and the Million Dollar Bashers: "All Along the Watchtower"
2. Sonic Youth: "I'm Not There"
3. Jim James and Calexico: "Goin' to Acapulco"
4. Richie Havens: "Tombstone Blues"
5. Stephen Malkmus and the Million Dollar Bashers: "Ballad of a Thin Man"
6. Cat Power: "Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again"
7. John Doe: "Pressing On"
8. Yo La Tengo: "Fourth Time Around"
9. Iron and Wine and Calexico: "Dark Eyes"
10. Karen O and the Million Dollar Bashers: "Highway 61 Revisited"
11. Roger McGuinn and Calexico: "One More Cup of Coffee"
12. Mason Jennings: "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll"
13. Los Lobos: "Billy"
14. Jeff Tweedy: "Simple Twist of Fate"
15. Mark Lanegan: "The Man in the Long Black Coat"
16. Willie Nelson and Calexico: "Señor (Tales of Yankee Power)"

Disc 2
1. Mira Billotte: "As I Went Out One Morning"
2. Stephen Malkmus and Lee Ranaldo: "Can't Leave Her Behind"
3. Sufjan Stevens: "Ring Them Bells"
4. Charlotte Gainsbourg and Calexico: "Just Like a Woman"
5. Jack Johnson: "Mama You've Been on My Mind"
6. Yo La Tengo: "I Wanna Be Your Lover"
7. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova: "You Ain't Goin' Nowhere"
8. The Hold Steady: "Can You Please Crawl Out Your Window"
9. Ramblin' Jack Elliott: "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues"
10. The Black Keys: "Wicked Messenger"
11. Tom Verlaine and the Million Dollar Bashers: "Cold Irons Bound"
12. Mason Jennings: "The Times They Are a-Changin'"
13. Stephen Malkmus and the Million Dollar Bashers: "Maggie's Farm"
14. Marcus Carl Franklin: "When the Ship Comes In"
15. Bob Forrest: "Moonshiner"
16. John Doe: "I Dreamed I Saw St. Augustine"
17. Antony and the Johnsons: "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"
18. Bob Dylan: "I'm Not There"

Unhappy Anniversary

2007-10-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

stained glass eyes

people sink your boat
when you cut a tragic figure
they drink their lemonade
and throw you a line

boil your problem down
to yes or no, what's the matter?
they bomb your promenade
and this makes it shine

so you must play the comic
if they want one
and describe their moment
when they're in one

people pass you by
passing up the chance to know you
they're irregular
in the usual way

you should crack a smile
once in a while, it makes you pretty
it makes you wanna give
them a piece of your mind

but they can't be people
not if I'm one
if i have to be like them
i'd rather be no one

couldn't make the scene
not with all the people looking
all these connoisseurs
on guard all the time

rather spend the day
blank as hell by the window
looking out of my
stained glass eyes

la la la la la la la la la…

You Can't Start A Fire Sitting 'Round Crying Over A Broken Heart

2007-10-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

I get up in the evening and I ain't got nothing to say. I come home in the morning. I go to bed feeling the same way. I ain't nothing but tired. Man, I'm just tired and bored with myself. Hey there, baby, I could use just a little help.

Message keeps getting clearer. Radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place. I check my look in the mirror - I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face. Man, I ain't getting nowhere. I'm just living in a dump like this. There's something happening somewhere, baby, I just know that there is.

You sit around getting older - there's a joke here somewhere, and it's on me. I'll shake this world off my shoulders. Come on baby, this laugh's on me. Stay on the streets of this town, and they'll be carving you up alright. They say you gotta stay hungry? Hey baby, I'm just about starving tonight! I'm dying for some action. I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book. I need a love reaction.

Come on now baby, gimme just one look.

When You Stare Into the Void, the Void Also Stares Into You

2007-09-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

feeling

pretty

empty

lately

Kid Nation: Sworn Enemy of Dry Eyes

2007-09-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so has everyone been watching the new show Kid Nation?

I fucking hate "reality" television. In fact, I can probably count all the television shows I like on one or maybe two hands. And guess what: none of them are reality based, folks. In 99.99% of the time, it's the lowest common denominator.

But this show? PURE GENIUS.

40 kids - ages 8-15 - are picked to run a town with no adult supervision whatsoever for 40 days. Cooking, cleaning, government, organization of labor - you name it, these kids have to deal with it.

Remember that douchebag Puck from the Real World? Well, there are nine year olds on this show more mature than that meat puppet. Hell, there are nine year olds on that show that are more mature than my parents.

I've watched the first two episodes so far and I'm going to make a confession here, internets: the fucking show has made me cry both times! Inconceivable!

(Granted, I've been a little unstable this week, but that's a blog of a different color. Black.)

There is something so perfect about the concept of this show. It's a great idea, but there's so much heart and soul, too. These kids are all acting on the purest of emotions - good, bad or indifferent - and it shines through in the footage, making for a very honest and touching program. You really care about these kids, you recognize and encourage the best in them and you want them to win.

But this poor little guy broke my heart: Jimmy.

Jimmy, 8, was the youngest kid on the show. The other kids really loved him and tried help him out and make him feel welcome. But it just proved too much for the poor little fella. So he packed it up and went home. (Every kid has the opportunity to do the same at any time.) He just missed his family too much, which make sense, since he's 8 god damn years old! I probably would have had to go home after peeing all my pants if I was put in that situation at his age.

Look at THIS PICTURE. I mean, how cool is this kid? I'm more than three times his age and I have never and will never be that cool.

Check out this clip for a sample of the show and to see the poor little guy going through the bends and trying to decide whether he should stay or go (the beginning is a bit emotional but the moment at 3:20 is really hysterical when Jimmy disses Greg, the camp bully.):

Long term, I'm rooting for Michael. He's a soft-spoken natural leader, who really leads by example rather than any kind of administration. He's the kind of kid your mother wanted you to be. (Maybe that's why this show kills me so much - it reminds me that I was once a nice sweet kid too, instead of the Gollum-like shell I am today.) I'm a big fan of Mike (different kid) too - I think he's got a good heart.

Jeez. Listen to me. Talking about reality show participants by their first names. I'VE BECOME ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!!!! NOOOOO!!!!

Okay, I have to go cry again.

Happy Birthday Bill Murray!

2007-09-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

Friends, please join me in a toast to Mr. Bill Murray, comic genius.

Today, he turns a spritely 57 years old!

Here's to your health Bill, and many happy returns! You are my hero in every possible capacity and I want to be you when I grow up.

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax

2007-09-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Another quotable quote from The Presidon't of the United States!

Take this one to the bank so you can put some more food on your families.

Mandela still alive after embarrassing Bush remark
Fri Sep 21, 8:15 AM ET
Reuters

Nelson Mandela is still very much alive despite an embarrassing gaffe by U.S. President George W. Bush, who alluded to the former South African leader's death in an attempt to explain sectarian violence in Iraq.

"It's out there. All we can do is reassure people, especially South Africans, that President Mandela is alive," Achmat Dangor, chief executive officer of the Nelson Mandela Foundation, said as Bush's comments received worldwide coverage.

In a speech defending his administration's Iraq policy, Bush said former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's brutality had made it impossible for a unifying leader to emerge and stop the sectarian violence that has engulfed the Middle Eastern nation.

"I heard somebody say, Where's Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas," Bush, who has a reputation for verbal faux pas, said in a press conference in Washington on Thursday.

Jailed for 27 years for fighting white minority rule, Mandela became South Africa's first black president in 1994. He won a Nobel Peace Prize for preaching racial harmony and guiding the nation peacefully into the post-apartheid era.

References to his death -- Mandela is now 89 and increasingly frail -- are seen as insensitive in South Africa.

Great. Now even South Africans hate us!

Is it November 2008 yet???

Freedom of Speech: It Was Nice While It Lasted

2007-09-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

This is something everyone needs to watch.

This guy Andrew Meyer - a journalism student, for god's sake - at the University of Florida attended a John Kerry speaking engagement, asked a few difficult questions of the senator. The questions touched on a few tender subjects, including asking Kerry's thoughts on th 2004 election, the potential for impeachment of President Bush and whether or not Kerry was involved with the Skull & Bones secret society at Yale.

For his troubles, Meyer had his microphone cut, and then was arrested and tasered!

Sure, the guy was pretty fired up and a little boisterous in his questions, but this is absolutely appalling.

I hope we all enjoyed our freedom of speech while we had it.

George Orwell could not be reached for comment on this story.

It Seems Other People Are Sick Of Seeing This Ass Clown's Face Too

2007-09-17T17:48:00.001-07:00

More people watched Senator Harry Reid's response to Dumbya than actually watched the presiduhnts address!

Early numbers are also indicating that even less people watched George Bush on TV than Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip or Arrested Development!*

*That one is not true, or even possible. But the other is!

Deadlier Than Pai-Mei's 5-Point Exploding Heart Technique

2007-09-17T17:39:00.001-07:00

Seriously? If your heart does not explode or implode upon looking at this picture and then reading this story, it simply doesn't exist, Mr. Grinch.

It seems this little monkey was abandoned by his mother and left for dead until it was rescued by an animal hospital.

After that: "his health began to improve but he seemed spiritless - until he developed a friendship with a white pigeon."

Pai-mei could not be reached for comment on this story. But his publicist did call me a "treacherous dog."

Which Is To Say Nothing of His English Skills

2007-09-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

Oh, Vicente Fox, how you make me laugh. While your own nation isn't doing so hot either for the most part, you still made me tee-hee with this one.

This just in from U.S. News:

At the White House, the president has got to be muttering "some friend" when he pores over the new autobio from his old buddy Vicente Fox, Mexico's former leader. That's because Fox raps his border pal as stubborn and "the cockiest guy I have ever met in my life." Revolution of Hope, out next month, is a well-written, well-researched book about Fox's political career and presidency, which coincided with George W. Bush's. While he expresses a kinship with W, he breaks with the prez on the war and slams the GOP's immigration platform. He blames Bush's stubbornness on Iraq for bad international relations, calls his Spanish "grade-school level," and admits he didn't think Bush would ever become president. "I can't honestly say that I had ever seen George W. Bush getting to the White House," he pens.

That makes two of us, Vinnie. Twice!

Pay It Forward: A Terrible Movie, But A Great Idea

2007-09-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest, 9-11 snuck up on me this year.

Not that it was out of my mind, but this past year has been far and away the most tumultuous year of my life to date. And there were so many joyful occasions in the last year, my focus was (gladly) shifted to those topics - dear friend's weddings, my new apartment, even good old summertime fun like vacations, great concerts and days at the beach.

Six years. Think about that. On the bright side, my own distractedness aside, this anniversary has made me realize just how far I, and all my friends, have come since the original date six years ago. From rather dark, troubling and at times almost fatalistic origins, we're really all doing quite well today, I'm pleased to say.

On a personal level, a lot has happened. It's been a colorful time, with a range of happy highs and crushing downs. All of which,I've tried to document on this site all along (while admitting to perhaps gravitating the teensiest smidge toward the dark).

On a national level, eh... not so much.

There are still so many things I am, and I think many people are, left feeling frustrated with (at best) or powerless against (more often). Our reputation in the world, this asinine, infuriating and heartbreaking war we're embroiled in, the threat of global warming, the frustration with our political process (and, often/especially, the players involved) - all of these forces seem to spiral out of our control. If you can still stomach reading about these topics anymore (and I understand if many can't, it truly sucks, to use my generations catch-all phrase), you're probably left feeling pretty empty inside. In a way, it's almost healthy to block it out. Paying attention to it will give you nothing but grief.

For instance, let's talk about ground zero where the world trade center once stood. You mean to tell me that in SIX YEARS the reconstruction process could not accomplish more than the modicum of progress we've seen so far? I find that laughable, yet simultaneously appalling. (I guess I see a lot of the world that way these days.)

When the WTC subway and PATH station were reopened a few years ago, I was filled with hope. Sure, I was nervous and uneasy about the idea of riding a train into a place that once witnessed such horror and destruction, but the fact that it was open again was progress, it was ultimately good news. We were moving on, righting wrongs and standing on our own two feet again.

Or so I thought.

I take that train line, on average, at least once a week. So once a week I pass through the desolate scab known as "ground zero" and hurry on my way to work or home from a bar. When you see something like that every day, you tend to fold it up and pack it away in your mind, it's just not a pleasant place in which to make one's commute.

So when anniversaries like this recent one come up, they really give you pause and make you say "Wait a minute, what the hell is going on down here?"

At these times, you have to just try to find your own way of finding strength and positivity, because, as my dear friend Al Swearengen would tell you, nobody's gonna fucking do it for you. (Al would probably also call you a name that begins with the letter "C" - but I would never do that to you fine folks.)

Or perhaps not? Perhaps, if I share with you the particular recipe I followed in trying to cope with this anniversary and the ghastly feelings it conjured up inside me, I can help you to find some good in the world as well. You have to look for it, but it is there.

It's easy. A two-part plan, really.

The first part? Give something of yourself.

In recent years, although sometimes at the expense of my mental and physical health, I've been very fortunate to see some success in my career. That's a new feeling for me. I don't know what to do that feeling sometimes. Well, this Tuesday, I thought - why not give some of it back? Give some back to people who need it and will use it for benevolent purposes.

Following are a list of charities, non-profits and general do-gooders that I feel A-OK about sharing a few of my hard-earned dollars with. You can trust these folks to get-r-done right. And if you can't give money - maybe you can give some of your time? That's even more valuable.

Greenpeace
Green. Peace. What's in a name? I mean, do they really need an introduction? So long as our government goes on not giving a damn about the environment and until it starts passing legislation that actually works to help preserve our world, they will always have a part to play. So in the interim, let them be our national conscience.

Red Cross
Another amazing group that speaks for itself. These guys seem to do all things for all people. They strike me as one of those groups that is constantly the first called upon to act, but perhaps one of the last to be supported. So why not show some love? If you can't give dollars, give some blood. They sure as hell know where to use it.

Hope for the Warriors Foundation
I learned of this group through another group that keeps veteran's best interests in mind. Their mission is simple and honorable: to enhance quality of life for US Service Members and their families nationwide who have been adversely affected by injuries or death in the line of duty. Sounds like the right move, since (disgustingly) our government tends to fall short on that count as well.

The Elliott Smith Memorial Fund
Those who read this site, or who know me personally, know that I miss Elliott very much. He really was a genuine person and a tremendous artist. One of his lasting legacies, other than excellent music, is a fund that benefits children who have fallen prey to abuse. By giving to the ESMF, you can choose to benefit one of two groups: Free Arts for Abused Children or Outside In, both of which are outstanding groups that offer creative, fun and inspiring support for these kids (click the names for more info). I think it's generally a good thing to do and a nice way of saying "Thanks Elliott."

826 NYC
826NYC is a nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting students ages 6-18 with their creative and expository writing skills, and to helping teachers inspire their students to write. It was founded by the magnificent Dave Eggers, and it's been supported by fantastic writers across the country. Imagine being a kid in a tough neighborhood, wanting to learn to write better, and then going to their learning center and being taught by the likes of say, David Sedaris? It could happen. Having met the sublime Sedaris myself, I can't begrudge anyone else the experience. (PS - They have other locations if you are not in the New York area!)

The second part? This is easy, and doesn't cost a thing.

For part two, just spend some time with people you love, and think fondly about the people you miss. On September 11, 2007, I know I did.

Good luck out there everybody.

Surlyness Is Next To Baldy-ness In My Family

2007-09-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

Folks, I'll keep this short and simple: my little brother is a funny guy.

He's also an amazing artist.

Sometimes, when boredom sets in, the moon is in its third phase and "According to Jim" is on TV, these forces align to form a creation that is no less inspiring than Voltron.

These are some of his doodles when he gets bored at work. If they don't make you pee those trousers, you should probably take them back to the toilet store.

"We're men, we're not piñatas!"

2007-08-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

That's one of my favorite Owen Wilson quotes, among many favorites.

In light of his current situation however, it has an ironicly dark undertone as well.

Man, maybe I'm a great big sap, but this whole thing with him is really bumming me out.

As someone who is also generally an upbeat and fun-loving person, I know first-hand that it can be really awful when something in your life brings you down. Hell, it happened to me just the other day. I was having a great time this past weekend, just having fun, dancing, letting it all hang down. And then one person did one stupid thing, and I've pretty much felt like shit for the past three days as a result. Normally, this stupid thing was the kind of gesture that would have bounced right off me, but that time, it stuck. Nothing I can do about it either, because I would if I could. You just have to ride it out and hope for the best.

At any rate, I'm just saying I understand how a supposed funnyman could also reach an incredible low. What goes up must come down. Eventually.

And I feel bad for the guy. As much as I can't fathom the exact forces that drove him to the drastic actions he's taken, I also can't imagine how much shit he's going to have to wade through just to move on from this point. The whole thing kind of reminds me of a really amazing (and devastatingly sad) Elliott Smith song called "The Last Hour." Though most people know him as a "sad sack," he was also a notoriously funny person and could even be very silly amongst his friends and with his devoted fans. But of course, he eventually met a very tragic end by similar means as Owen Wilson has attempted. The parallels in situations like this can be startling, particularly when you consider this verse:

I've been thinking of the things that I missed
Situations that I passed up for this
One way love I took for ours
I'm through trying now, it's a big relief
I'll be staying down, I wasn't good at being a thief
More like a clown
Make it over

Anyway, I hope, somehow, Mr. Wilson pulls through all this. The world's a funnier place with him in it, that's for sure.

For the Two of You Who Actually Care

2007-08-19T00:48:00.001-07:00

For the record, in reference to my previous post, I think "Magic" is a gawd awful name for an album.

They couldn't even add a "The Gathering" at the end? Nothing? Just.... Magic?

The Boss Is Coming Back, So Look Busy

2007-08-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in magic? No?

How about Magic, with a capital "M", the new album coming this fall from Bruce Springsteen?

I know I certainly do - I read about it on the internets! And you can read all about it HERE.

It's due out on October 2nd, and I'm sure the crazy maniac will probably tour until the following Memorial Day. And I will go to see that crazy maniac!

Here's the tracklist, so you can set your SoulSeek wishlist up in advance:

1. Radio Nowhere
2. You'll Be Comin' Down
3. Livin' in the Future
4. Your Own Worst Enemy
5. Gypsy Biker
6. Girls in Their Summer Clothes
7. I'll Work for Your Love
8. Magic
9. Last to Die
10. Long Walk Home
11. Devil's Arcade

Am I the only one who's bummed that we won't get to hear Bruce sing a song called "Girls in Their Summer Clothes" until October? Damn, that's gonna get me all angsty. And if you read this blog regularly, you know I don't need any help in that department.

Oh well. In the meantime, just gaze upon the awesomeness of Bruce in his press photo clothes:

That guy is as old as my dad!!! How is it possible he's still so cool and my dad wears purple shirts that he wins at golf tournaments that have dog food sponsor's names stitched on them?

I remain baffled.

And For Dinner: Sautéed Bald Eagle In A Freedom Reduction

2007-08-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

You have to admit, there's something so right (and by that, I of course mean horribly wrong) about Karl Rove going dove hunting after announcing his departure from the White House yesterday.

You know, doves? The internationally acknowledged symbol for peace, love and understanding? Makes sense that Manboobs the Destroyer would want to shoot them to pieces.

Well, now he's got muthafucking P to the E to the T&A (PETA for short) on his ass! And with a target that big, he better watch out or they'll pop an all-vegan, torture-free, green-friendly cap in it.

(By the way, get it, 'Freedom reduction'? Because he's an evil tyrant who has helped to destroy America for the past 6.5+ years! And reduction is also a kind of sauce! Tee hee!)

Honestly Mate, You Look Sterling!

2007-08-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

To celebrate today's beautiful news, I'd like to share the following clip with ye's, mates. It's from a film called This Is England and, to quote the scene you're about to watch, it's "absolutely brilliant." (Granted, it's not always a pretty picture, and it does deal with some sinister concepts, but so does life, doesn't it?)

Check out this link for background info on the film, pictures, etc. It takes place in the UK, during the Thatcher administration and The Falklands War (which feels eerily like our current American situation). Click these links if that doesn't mean anything to you, because it definitely pays to know the back story before you go see this.

Alright then, mate, let's see yer Ben Sherman, then, go on!

I Might Just As Well Have Looked Up The Word "Irony" In The Dictionary

2007-08-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

So recently, I visited a sleep expert to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I'm up at all hours, get really tired during the day, and exercise (which seems to work for most people) does no good either - I ran 4 miles today! I'm writing this at 2:23 AM!

I just got my bill for the session, which also included a diagnosis - something I hadn't expected.

So imagine the face I made when I looked up hypersomnia - my diagnosis.

At 2:23 AM, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

As Usual, The Onion Says It Best

2007-08-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm with you, Ed Albaugh.

Ted Leo: It's Alright, You're O.K.

2007-08-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

I found out this week that one of my all time heroes, Mr. Ted Leo, is going through some hard times right now. Earlier this week, he canceled a tour date in Cleveland so he could be back home in New England with his loved ones. Apparently someone very close to him is undergoing chemotherapy and the sessions just began this week, hence the cancellation.

Trooper that he is, Ted was back on the road again right after, playing Lollapalooza yesterday in Chicago. I don't think I'd be able to do that, but that's why the dude is my hero, I suppose.

I've been listening to Ted, in some form or another, since I was in high school. He's played as a solo act, but also in a ton of bands like Chisel (one of my favorites ever), The Sin Eaters, The Secret Stars, The Spinanes, The Pharmacists (before that name was adapted by his backing band), Citizen's Arrest, Animal Crackers - the guy's been busy all his life!

I've seen Ted's career skyrocket in the past few years however, and he deserves every drop of recognition and popularity he gets. When I found out about a year ago that he was playing a show opening for Death Cab For Cutie at Madison Square Garden, I was flabbergasted. Ted? Didn't I see him play at McCormick's bar in New Brunswick when I was in college, and then buy him a drink? Didn't I see him play at a church once in my hometown and then talk to him for about 15 minutes about one of the opening bands? Yes, that's the same guy. Incredible.

Although I've had admittedly limited interactions with the guy, what I have observed speaks volumes:

Ted always checks out the opening bands at his shows - how many musicians do you know who do that? It's perhaps a small thing, but a big deal, and I've always respected that.
I once watched him wait in line to re-enter his own show, because he wasn't going to cut off any of the fans who were waiting in line. Again, a small thing, but the kind of small thing that makes a difference.
He'll talk to anyone, he's completely unpretentious and approachable. That's a nice feature in a hero. I've spoken to him several times, sometimes at great length, and he's just a cool, regular dude. And very funny! Case in point - look at this photo!

He's constantly working to keep his fanbase in the know about important social and political issues, but never in a preachy way. I once read he was considering being a teacher if/when he retired from music, and that makes perfect sense. His students will probably have no idea how cool their English professor is, which makes me chuckle.
His music is a constant source of inspiration, positivity and energy. He is the yin to Elliott Smith's yang (my other musical hero). I challenge anyone who is having a bad day to listen to the Chisel song "It's Alright, You're O.K." and still have a frown by the end. It can't be done!

Here's a photo someone once took of Ted and put up on a Ted fan site called Timorous Me. If I recall correctly, the girl in the picture's boyfriend was stationed in Iraq, and a big Ted fan. So he obliged to this great photo:

I recently read this on another blog, talking about Ted, and I think it sums him up perfectly:
"Ted Leo is a great guy. I don't really even know him that well, and I consider him a good friend. We only met for the first time this past May."

I couldn't agree more. And having seen too many people go through cancer and chemo in my own life, I know how difficult it can be. In the off chance that Ted or someone close to him ever reads this post, I just want to extend my best wishes to his family and that this difficult time soon comes to and end, with everyone happy, healthy and strong.

After all the good stuff Ted's music has done for me over the years, I'd just like to show some support for him now. Hearing some good, funny, positive news goes a long way when you're in a situation like that.

So I guess if you have a particularly cool Ted story you'd like to share, or if you'd like to send him some good vibes, please leave a comment on this post and I will send it on to him.

Thanks all!

This Just In: Exercise Is Good For You

2007-07-31T23:07:00.001-07:00

If you're any regular reader of this here productivity wormhole of a blog, you're keenly aware of one thing: until very recently, I felt like total shit for about 2 years. Primarily work-induced.

But, things are getting better, at a steady clip. I have to admit. At the rate I'm going, I might have to rename this site to Dispatches From the Fuzzy Bunny-Shaped Pink Cloud or something.

Before this 2 year period fugue, I was pretty healthy, went to the gym, ate right, the whole nine. Once the aforementioned work stress kicked in though, this not only faded from my life, but eventually did a 180 degree turnaround. Lately I look like Quentin Tarantino's little brother who rides the short bus, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

I recently decided I didn't fee like buying a larger waste size on any more pants though, and now I'm determined to get back in the swing of things. I went to the gym today!

I ran 3 miles. My face turned as red as George Bush's underpants, but I did it. Granted, I used to run 3 miles or more with no problem, but hey, baby steps, right?

Don't tell anyone, but I also want to trim back my drinking. Nothing drastic, but cutting back some, perhaps to the level most people function at, instead of John Belushi's understudy or something.

My goal is to trim up and drop some LB's (that's pounds) by the end of summer. If I can accomplish that, I'm going to reward myself with something I've wanted for a long time, but never got around to: A TATTOO! (More on that story as it develops.)

Time will tell. But as of this post, I'm serious about this.

I promise tomorrow's post will be really dumb and silly to make up for this one.

Here's a very silly picture of Rage Against the Machine Man raging, to make up for all the machining I did in this post:

Sexytime!

2007-07-31T08:16:00.000-07:00

Wawawewow, kids. Just look at this pretty thing!

Fender has designed a custom-made, signature edition Jazzmaster guitar for living legend J. Mascis, the axe-wielding wizard from Dinosaur, Jr. Click HERE to visit the Fender site and check the specs on this piece of gorgeousity. I also saw one for sale on eBay HERE - looks like it's going for about $850 bones. Worth every penny if you ask me.

Garsh, it's pretty. I'd like to name it Scarlett Johannson, take it out for a steak dinner, introduce it to my parents and go away for a lovely weekend in Venice with it.

If any of you devoted readers wants to buy one for me, I would be okay with that scenario.

This Man Is Not To Be Trusted

2007-07-26T20:11:00.001-07:00

I'm not even sure he's real! But he certainly seems pleased with himself about something.

If you're one of the five people who hasn't done so already, you really need to click HERE and "Simpsonize" a photo of yourself.

I guess you need to know what I look like to realize how funny the above image is, but I'm pretty familiar with what I look like and I think it's a fucking riot.

Check it out! Oh, and go see The Simpsons Movie, which premieres tomorrow.

Possibly The Funniest Thing I've Ever Seen

2007-07-26T08:56:00.001-07:00

I reckon there's funny, and there's funny.

And this is both kinds of funny, plus maybe three other kinds of funny combined.

Simply perfect in concept, execution and overall performance. Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo. The Academy salutes you. Hell, I salute you. The whole damn country salutes you!

The Most Important News of 2007 So Far

2007-07-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe it.

The biggest news of the year.

No, the war's not over. Come on, gimme a break.
No, Georgie boy has not been impeached. (Fingers crossed)
No, we don't have centralized healthcare for all US citizens.
No, Al Gore has not announced his candidacy for president.
No, Anna Nicole did not come back to life.
No, Paris did not go back to jail.
No, Michael Richards did not convert to Islam.
No, Britney's hair hasn't grown back yet. (Well, maybe it did, but I don't care.)
No, Scientology is not a real religion.
No, the Simpsons movie didn't come out yet.
No, Tom Cruise didn't come out yet either.

BUT. Speaking of Tom Cruise coming out, there has been one important development this year.

R. KELLY IS RELEASING 10 MORE CHAPTERS OF "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET."

Ten more!!!! That is huge news.

If you've never seen it (first of all, I don't believe you), "Closet" is easily the best example of "so bad it's good" entertainment I've ever seen. In fact, it's so bad, it's good and then it's bad again. It's fucking awful. It's absolutely ridiculous. It should never have been made once, let alone a second time.

In fact you should watch it. Click HERE to view the first 5 chapters! (Which totals over 20 minutes, by the way. So, with chapters 6 - 22, that means you have about 80 minutes of terrible, awful, shitty entertainment ahead of you. Amazing!)

I'm still reeling from shock. This is almost as amazing as when he performed a 7 minute acapella version at the MTV video music awards. And by "acapella," I obviously mean "horrendously lip-synced" over the full music and lyrics. That performance was so bad, I can't even talk about it... but you can watch it! Here:

Christmahannakwanza In July!

2007-07-23T14:53:00.001-07:00

It must be mine, or Jesus', or Sammy Davis Junior's birthday today or something. Wowee.

Cliquez ici!
George Bush's approval rating sinks to 25%!

Actual quote from the news blurb: "These are record lows for the survey."

Wowee.

I can't wait to see how the Democrats screw this one up!

Monday Morning Japanese Wisdom

2007-07-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Rainy Monday mornings. Not much you can do with those, folks. You just have to bite your lip and cope until it's Tuesday.

Easier said than done, I know.

Hopefully the following poem by a friend in Japan will cheer you up. It did wonders for me:

Curious George!
Have a nice blue Monday!
Now Tokyo is blue Monday night.
Tomorrow is ruby Tuesday?
So my life is like a Rolling Stone(s)?

And if for some reason that did not warm the innermost corners of your heart, then perhaps the following picture will. This is a picture of the aforementioned friend's dog. I'm not making this up - this is really what he looks like. I wish anything I did in my life made me look half as cool as this dog:

Patton Oswalt, I Adore You (Part Trois)

2007-07-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

Friends, as you know, Patton Oswalt is somewhat of a hero of mine.

That's right, Patton Oswalt, star of Ratatouille, sometime NY Times op-ed columnist, and all-around hysterical guy.

As such, it behooves me to inform you that he has a new comedy album coming soon from Sub Pop records called "Werewolves and Lollipops." Click HERE to order it today!
In addition, he's also going to be appearing in New York City this week, doing a free show at Sound Fix in Williamsburg. Imagine all the lucky little cheeseburgers who will get to yuk it up with my favorite funny man. Maybe I'll even get to be there myself! Time will tell, of course.

But if you want to know how cool Patton really is, know this: I emailed him to let him know I would be going to the show and HE WROTE ME BACK.

Bless his dimunitive heart.

Happy Birthday America!!!

2007-07-02T20:53:00.000-07:00

My Fellow Americans,

The anniversary of the birth of our nation is nearly upon us. This is an important day for America, Americans and everything we stand for as a nation and as a system of beliefs.

Which is why it's so especially amazing that Presiduhnt Bush has taken it upon himself to go one step further in bastardizing the very fabric of our nation: the justice system.

Yes, we once had a system of balanced powers, where every (wo)man was considered innocent until proven guilty, where all people had an equal voice. But not today! I say thee nay! Today, we have shown the country, the world and most importantly, the terrorists that none of that matters anymore. As long as you have friends in high places, the world is your oyster.

What am I talking about, you say? Why am I writing in the past tense? Why am I picking on Georgie boy?

Well, it's simple. Because today, the president gave his friend Scooter Libby a free pass.

This is so disgusting, there's really nothing more to say about it. From this point forward, in America, you're innocent until proven guilty, and if you are proven guilty, you can be innocent again, as long as you're a Bushie.

The law, quite literally, doesn't apply to Bush. He's proven that today.

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!!

The Mediocre Gatsby

2007-06-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it's summertime, and I have three weddings to go to, for three great couples I know.

Given the magnitude of these events, how much I care for the parties in question and my usual flair for the dramatic, I thought that called for something a little special. So I decided to dress for the part.

So I got a new suit, and it goes a little somethin' like this (I promise never to make this face, however):

Seersucker. It's not just a fabric, it's an approach, a way of life, really. It's about doing things right, the first time.

It also looks really cool. I think I'm going to start calling everyone "old sport" and leaving dollars in people's hands every time I shake them. Go big or go home!

I Didn't Even Have To Use My A-K

2007-06-20T23:25:00.000-07:00

I just rode my bike home from the bar. It's nearly 2:30 am. I've had a great day.

Which is funny, because I can't think of any particular thing that made it good. But good, it was.

So thanks to anyone out there who might have made that possible.

Let's hope tomorrow keeps the pace.

Talk About A Romance Explosion!

2007-06-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

This one really takes the cake. It takes the cake and covers it in rainbow-colored icing and multi-colored jimmies. I don't even have an introduction for it - it's that astounding.

The Pentagon just admitted that it has been working on a bomb... wait for it... that will turn everyone within its blast radius.... gay.

Yes, you read that correctly, I'm afraid. This is beyond the beyond. I wonder if this one was cooked up by those science fiction writers the government hired last week! Man, this country gets weirder every god damn day.

Just know this, as you read the story - this is what your tax dollars are being spent on!

But wait, it gets scarier - I think they've been testing this bomb in our own backyard - the West Village!

An elite strike force has been summoned to investigate further. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire: THE GAY-TEAM

It Really Ties The Room Together

2007-06-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Good news, friends. I finally got some furniture in my living room. It's actually starting to look like a place where a human might want to live.

The couch is long enough to pass out on after stumbling home at 4am and if I ever want to sit by the window and page through the latest copy of Hustler, there's a lovely chair by the window as well. Not to mention the highly shaggable shag rug and my coffee table that looks like it was designed by Powell-Peralta.

Now, if only I had some goddamn curtains on the windows. Ah well, Rome wasn't curtained in a day, I suppose.

Cell phone pic (sandals not included):

TGINTWA - Thank God It's Not This Week Anymore!

2007-06-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

Man, on a scale of one to shitty, this week was explosive diarrhea. From start to finish, it was textbook awful. As the corpse of this week is lowered into the earth, I spit on its grave!

Okay, okay, enough of that imagery. Yikes, what's wrong with this guy?

Time for some comedy. I think I'll have some of this tonight (which is to say, comedy and Scotch!)

Also, if you're anything like me (and I sincerely hope for your sake you're not), you've often wondered what it might look like when the Misfits tend to their landscaping. Well, it's the weekend, so it's time to take care of the yard, people! I think it might look something like this:

Have a nice weekend, my Funions.

This Just In: An Entire Fleet of Angels Gets Their Wings (Again!)

2007-06-08T15:06:00.000-07:00

Yup, you guessed it, you three people who actually read this dumb site with any regularity...

P-Hilt is back in the clink.

Justice is served (again)! It must be my muthafuckin' Friday!

You know what this means: we might still get to see some face tattoos!

This Just In: Life Isn't Fair

2007-06-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, so forget what I said two posts below about the great hope I felt when Paris Hilton was sent to jail.

Skankapalooza just got out - after only two days. Money talks and morons walk, apparently.

Read it and weep. She's going to serve the rest of the sentence under house arrest, Disturbia style.

You tell em, Commodus Aurelius:

Man, and I was really hoping she'd discover the writings of the honorable Elijah Muhammed. And/or get a neck tattoo.

I guess the world really is as terrible as I originally thought.

Oh well, go on about your business.

Wawawewow!

2007-06-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

Hello my bloggings bestfriends!

Today, I communicating to you with the internets. (Thank you, Al Gores for invent! Also, for your global warmings. It very cold in Kazakh, so I like a very much.)

I tell to you a wonderful thing I find on this electronic highways. It a called "999 Borats" - this a very premium number of me! In my country, Minister of Mathematics and Horse Science, Uri Bobshalaveletzakin dictate all number is below 1,000 because government like save money on superfluous comma markings. Since this is police-enforced law, I am agree!

This is project I discover, make by artist Oli Goldsmith. He is big #1 fan of a Borat! He like my journalisms of culture and decide to make a 999 paintings original of me! I like a very much Oli Goldsmith! I wish to him great success and access to American vagin.

This make to me and my family a very proud. If Oli Goldsmith make journey to Kazakh, my father is promise to him give choice of my sister Barbarella (very much sex!), brother Bilo (he is retard) or donkey (sometimes she kick testi-satchel, but she nice) - he make a good choose!

I hope to you make visit to this World Wide Web pages, where you find more and purchase this paintings. They make you tie a rooms together, very nice design for metrosexuals. If you show to a nice lady, she is have immediate romance explosion - this is guarantee!

Thank you Oli Goldsmith for make painting of me. I hope you get a very much sexytime propositions from internets web cam ladies with this project. Maybe you meet Lyndsey Lohans. High five!

Jagshemash,
Borat Sagdiyev

So Shines A Good Deed In A Weary World

2007-06-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

So, as of this Monday afternoon...

Iraq's pretty much an irrevocable disaster.
Our political leaders are thoroughly corrupt.
Gas (and corn, apparently?) ain't getting any cheaper.
Global warming insists on being invited to the party.

And on and on.

People are dying, moms are crying, peace sells, but who's buying? (Dave Mustane would ask you the same question.)

I don't know. But at least Dippy McDumbshit is going to jail for a few weeks. Yes, Paris is burning. Paris Hilton, America's favorite vapid, soulless, moronic excuse for a celebritard is finally getting a much-needed and long overdue dose of reality. And, according to the article linked above, a pamphlet on potential viruses contracted in the jail cell.

This is a great day and has even greater future potential. Think about all that can happen:

- She could tussle with some of those tough broads from latenight Cinemax lady prison movies.
- She could make custom "THATSHOT" license plates.
- Prison tattoos on her neck (or face!).
- Wouldn't it be amazing if she discovered the Nation of Islam?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes, the world is a troubled place. But let's look at the bright side when we can. Every time Paris Hilton goes to jail, an entire fleet of angels gets their wings.

POTUS* or Sulky McSulkpants?

2007-06-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

Ha! (Read that again and imagine Alf saying it.)

I love it when The Huffington Post puts this picture of Bush on their site. They do it every time he tries to hide something or if his approval ratings sink.

(Which is pretty fucking often, actually.)

The only way it could look funnier is if there was a big "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign next to the window.

*POTUS stands for President of the United States, by the way.

You Literally Can't Make This Shit Up (Part Four)

2007-05-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

Citizens of Earth (or at least, America),

Are you aware that we are in the midst of A War On Terror? Yes, I read that on a web site somewhere. I couldn't believe it either.

What's that you say? A war on terror sounds about as feasible as a war on irony? Or a war on tardiness? Or a war on drugs?

I know, I know. If it looks like fiction, sounds like fiction, then it must be fiction. And what better way to fight fiction than with more fiction? And why just stop at plain old boring fiction - let's get crazy, how about Science Fiction? Well, the government has decided to do just that.

Yes, the often-castigated but never duplicated Homeland Security Department is really going for a new record in lamebrain ideas. I mean... uh, they're really exploring some interesting new approaches that are sure to bring the terrororistors to their terror-inspiring feet.... yeah, that's the ticket...

SCIENCE FICTION WRITERS. Even this guy can't believe it:

They've hired science fiction writers to come up with possible counter-intelligence to theoretical terror attacks. For those of you who just woke up from carbon freezing: A bunch of aspiring El Ron Hubbards are supposedly going to help crack the case on Terror.

I'll give you a moment to soak that in...

No, you didn't just take the brown acid my friends. That shit is really happening. To quote a song from the highly quotable Ian MacKaye: "Is this my world? I no longer recognize." Me neither I-man. Me neither.

ARRRRGGGH. Are you kidding me???? Just look at this pile of freaks!

What in Xenu's name could they possibly save anyone from? Getting laid? Being stranded on the planet Vulcan? As a man sitting in back of me during the movie The Blair Witch Project once said: This shit is bullshit.

Yes. Yes, it is, sir. This shit is undeniably bullshit.

By the way, I hope you had a nice memorial day weekend. I know our Democratic Congress did. You know how I know that? Because the slippery little shits did THIS and then peaced out for the weekend so El Deciderino wouldn't talk shit about them for letting down the troops while they were on vacation.

Nice job, ass clowns. After all the huffing and puffing, the assurance that they'd finally grown some stones, they just wimp out and hit the beach with Brenda and Dylan. I expect this kind of behavior of people working in retail - because, let's face it, that work is just inhumane - but these are elected officials who are supposed to be acting for the greater good. Instead, they're chugging blush wine in Martha's Vineyard.

It's been a banner week. Good grief, America.

I Got a Pocket Full of Kryptonite

2007-05-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

You gotta love Myspace. Or maybe you don't. But you have to admit it's funny sometimes.

For instance, this super person below apparently wants to be my friend. I just got her invite this morning.

Simply amazing. I've met me. I've seen my Myspace profile. Even I don't want to be my friend. Hell, I kind of look like Lex Luthor! So, how in Tom's name (the Odin-father of Myspace) is this even remotely likely?

Simple answer: it's not. Not even close.

But, who am I to say no to a superheroine who wants to read my dumb bulletin board posts? You have to visit this page just to see the toolboxes that actually think she's a real person.

And to further complicate matters, which is to say: make them even more hysterical, this person's profile says her name is Michele.... yet, she also identifies herself as Lucy... yet her page is under the name John P. Drake.

Alas, I care not.

At the end of the day, that's really quite a picture, no matter how you serve it up.

Inspiring Words From A Man Who Knows How To Ski

2007-05-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

"I do have one bit of advice for you, though Grace. Take the time in school to learn a foreign language. I myself never did , and I feel I've paid a price for it. "

- Anthony, as played by Luke Wilson, in Bottle Rocket

Friends, I just returned from Montreal, and boy, is my wallet tired. I think I dropped a college tuition there this weekend on a bevy of different kinds of entertainment. Some of which is not appropriate to discuss on the internets. My grandmother might read this.

The point is, mes petits choues, is Montreal is a bilingual city, in the midst of a bilingual province, in the midst of a bilingual country. You never know when a little French will come in handy. And come in handy, it did, mes amis.

I'd llike to thank the following people for making that possible: Madame Helmy, Monsieur Miller, Madame Bosco, Madame Chalupa and a host of other college professors whose names I've long since forgotten. I like to think of these people as more than just people. I like to think of them as French Teachers! Merci, professeurs. Merci pour tout!

Yes, much like my perennial hero Lane Meyer will tell you: sometimes, the secret to success can be attained through nothing more than Language Lessons. Yes, language lessons.

Keep that in your back pockets, my wayward travelers. Ne l'oublier pas jamais! You never know when the old Latin Roots will come in handy.

Just make sure you've also got plenty of cash on you too. That's also important in life. And in Montreal.

Until next time, tell Anthony I love him.*

*More Bottle Rocket fun

War Is Over (If You Want It)

2007-05-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

As Ali G once said, today we is going to talk about something that is in the air, floating all around us: SCIENCE.

I love Science. Science, scientists and scientific advancements.

It's a beautiful thing sometimes. Every once in a while, a scientific discovery is made and it's so amazing that you can hardly believe it. You want to cry beautiful little angel tears made out of baby unicorn wishes.

THIS is just such a story.

I just want to kiss Science on the mouth, take it out for a steak dinner and romantic weekend in Paris.

Oh, joy, oh rapture, oh happy, happy day. Go on America - go find a scientist and make sweet, tender love to him or her. They've earned their salary today.

xo
D'Artagnan

Be Not So Fearful

2007-05-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

by Bill Fay

Be not so nervous
Be not so frail
Someone watches you
You won't fail

Be not so nervous
Be not so frail
Be not so nervous
Be not so frail

Be not so sorry
For what you have done
You must forget them now
It's done

And when you wake up
You will find that you can run
Be not so sorry
For what you have done

Be not so fearful
Be not so pale
Someone watches you
You won't leave the rails

Be not so fearful
Be not so pale
Be not so fearful
Be not so pale

Be not so sorry
For what you have done
You must forget them now
It's done

And when you wake up
You will find that you can run

Be not so sorry
For what you have done
Be not so sorry
For what you have done

Brett Wilson's 115th Beer

2007-05-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Pals,

My friend Brett is pretty artsy. If you are around this weekend, you should come to Jersey City and see some of his wares. He is curating a show at the inimitable Residue Gallery with several of my other friends this weekend. The theme of the show is that everyone had to create a piece about Brett. So look at the pictures below and decide if you can handle all that handsome.

Big kickoff party on Friday too, so wear some plaid and show your Jersey City pride (plaid is the official and preferred color, flag and garment of JC, dontchaknow).

Sincerely,
Your Pal

PS - I will not be here for this show, regrettably. I will be in Montreal drinking alcohol and paying nice ladies to dance, along with some of the aforementioned artists.

Living In the Kingdom Of Death

2007-05-05T21:40:00.000-07:00

As one door opens
Another one shuts for good.
It is always thus.

Goodbye, we love you.

xo

How I Met Your Mother

2007-05-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

The next time anyone asks me what kind of girl I'd like to meet, I'm going to direct them to this picture.

I just found this on the internet because I ran a search for the phrase "True dat!"

I don't know where to begin laughing about this.

A Tale of Two Georges

2007-04-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a rather trying week, my drooges. Exhausting, painful, busy - the whole nine yards.

In times like this, I find myself listening to a lot of George Harrison. It's uncanny. The guy really had an amazing knack for taking the saddest topics (namely death, dying and all the heartbreaks that can lead to it and follow it), yet his music fills you with so much hope. He's like The Secret Beatle. Historically, he's never the one you hear of first, but perhaps the deepest and most sincere of them all.

If you don't already own a copy, treat yourself to George's masterpiece: All Things Must Pass. It really is a work of art. It's the perfect embodiment of his spirit, optimism and amazing talent. Look into it!

Anyway, it's been a messy week. The good news is that I've been spending a lot of time with family during this time, seeing old faces and talking with people I haven't seen in ages. It really grounds you.

That's all. I don't really have much else to say at the moment. But I'll leave you with two pictures. One is of George Harrison. The other is of my Grandma, holding my baby cousin (technically, I guess he's my second cousin) Philip George. His friends just call him Little George though.

So here are two Georges that are helping me keep my head this week. Maybe they'll do the same for you?

Stephen Hawking Can Fly!

2007-04-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

This is the coolest thing I've seen in a long time.

Stephen Hawking, the world-renowned astrophysicist (who also happens to suffer from a degenerative, irreversible motor neurone disease) fulfilled a lifelong dream today: he flew for 25 seconds in Zero G weightlessness. This guy is easily one of the most brilliant people on the planet, but he can't even move a muscle on his own. He's completely paralyzed.

Dude seems pretty unflappable about that, though. If you need any proof as to how he felt about the flight, just take a look at the photo below and this quote from the guy who runs the Zero G program: "He was grinning the entire time." (Obviously, he still retains some small, but essential muscle control.)

And if you think homeboy is stopping there, you're sadly mistaken. He's already working on his next destination: SPACE! "Space, here I come," he said immediately after the Zero G flight. Apparently Richard Branson is going to hook him up with a low level space flight!

There's a lesson to be learned here. Don't ever let anyone tell you can't do something, or that something is impossible. If that happens, just think of the picture below.

This story fills me with an unbelievable amount of hope, which is rare for me. If you, or someone you know, is having a bad day, week, year or even life, read this story or pass it along. If you don't find it amazingly uplifting and inspirational, you might want to seek the help of a professional. Click HERE for the full story (and below). Cool video footage there too.

Just look at this picture!!!!

One Down, Forty-Nine To Go

2007-04-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

You know, I've always loved cheddar cheese. Maple syrup. Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Mountains. All the great resources of the state of Vermont.

But who knew I'd one day appreciate Vermont for their political initiative?

Well, brudders and sistas, that day is here.

The Vermont Senate calls for the impeachment of Bush!

Amazing.

People talk a lot of game on the subject of The Decider in Chief (myself included), but bless those Vermontians who strapped on their Birkenstocks and marched down to their senator's office (or put on their Birkenstocks and then got online to send their senator an email) to get the ball rolling!

Sure, it's a non-binding agreement, but let's just enjoy this for a few minutes, okay?

Check out the full story HERE. And here's a little blurb to whet your apetitite:

Vermont senators voted Friday to call for the impeachment of President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, saying their actions in Iraq and the U.S. "raise serious questions of constitutionality."

The non-binding resolution was approved 16-9 without debate -- all six Republicans in the chamber at the time and three Democrats voted against it. The resolution was the latest, symbolic, effort in the state to impeach Bush. In March, 40 towns in the state known for its liberal leaning voted in favor of similar, non-binding resolutions at their annual meetings. State lawmakers in Wisconsin and Washington have also pushed for similar resolutions.

The resolution says Bush and Cheney's actions in the U.S. and abroad, including in Iraq, "raise serious questions of constitutionality, statutory legality, and abuse of the public trust."

I know it may not look like it, but this is a veritable maelstrom of political activity!

Grindhouse

2007-04-06T22:34:00.001-07:00

Wow.

Stop reading this and GO SEE IT!!!!!!

Its A Blog Eat Blog World, I Guess

2007-03-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

Well, they've done it again.

Just look at that ridiculous home page The Huffington Post ran this morning.

Alberto "Elian" Gonzales might be guilty of ruining our country, but the HuffPo is also guilty. Guilty of being out of their minds.

Look at it! Look at it, Jerry!!!

Who actually sat and repasted that picture 122 times? That's a blogging straight from the mouth of madness.

That Shit Is Stranger Than Fiction, Esé

2007-03-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

So you know how there are some mean old men down in Texas who are building a wall so no more Mexicans can get into the United States?

Well, in an irony to end all ironies, one company has just been accused of hiring illegal Mexican workers to build that very wall.

Unbelievable! Read about it HERE.

That's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. And then asking your face to help re-attach your nose to your face. I think. No?

That's like... that's like... I don't know what it's like! A... very... ironic thing?

Only in America.

Pay To The Order Of: Awesome!

2007-03-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

This is one of the coolest things that's happened to me in ages.

A while back, I bought a copy of Unknown Passage, the Dead Moon documentary. If you haven't heard of this film or of Dead Moon, you are really missing out! There was a great compilation of theirs that came out on Sub Pop not too long ago, and you can buy their other records and gear HERE. They're incredibly nice and unbelievably dedicated people. Oh, and their music totally fucking rocks! I almost forgot.

Anyway, I placed an order for the DVD. Well, I must have sent too much shipping, because tonight I came home to see the package had arrived, and inside was the DVD and a check for $5 from Tombstone Music, their record label.

Best of all: in the memo on the check, it says:

"THANX KEV, BUT TOO MUCH POSTAGE PAID!"
and it's signed by Kathleen Alice "Toody" Cole!!!!!

Maybe I'm a huge dork (yeah, maybe), but I think this is the coolest thing ever!

I think I'm going to let them hold on to that $5 and put this baby in a frame! It's a real beauty.

D for Disaster,
*D'Artagnan

Patton Oswalt, I Adore You (Part Deux)

2007-03-26T23:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I lied. I will post something else this week. In fact, I will probably post something again after this.

But hell, when you read this, you'll thank me.

My favorite chuckle factory, Patton Oswalt, wrote a hysterical column for The New York Times this week. It's so entertaining, my funny bone just about shit his pants.

True-Life Tales:
Guns and Yoga
By PATTON OSWALT
Published: March 25, 2007

Not long ago, I decided to learn how to shoot guns. It was a Saturday morning, and I was curious. So after a breakfast of spelt flakes, soy milk and green tea, I went out shooting.

I believe in sustainable agriculture. I support gay marriage. I think war is a failure of diplomacy, logic and leadership. I’m embarrassed by the fact that it’s 2007 and my country is debating evolution. Pot should be legal. I dream of a world where punches are made of flowers.

And, it turns out, I love guns.

At the gun class, I learned gun safety, legal obligations, targeting and trigger pulling. And there were coffee and doughnuts, so you could pretend you were a maverick cop who didn’t play by the rules and, damn it, Chief, unless you let me do this my way, we’re never gonna catch this killer. Here, take my badge!

While shooting, I loved how the guns were small but also really heavy. I’m small and heavy, too, but not solid like a gun. I’m more like a duffel bag full of ball bearings and mayonnaise.

Here is how a gun works. You put these small metal cylinders full of explosives inside, and when the cylinders explode the gun doesn’t. It’s tight and strong and sends the cylinders flying out at whatever you’re pointing at — a paper target or, I hope, someday, zombies. While most things these days — movies, government employees, fast-food sandwiches and me — are slapped together with cardboard and frosting, a gun is a precision instrument.

Because I know how ridiculous I look holding a gun, I did pretty well. If your focus isn’t on being cool while you do something, you focus on results. I was free. I cut dead center (or close to it) on my silhouette target’s 8-ring almost every time. I imagined huge chunks of stew getting blown out of the backs of my attackers.

Later that day, I took a restorative yoga class. Shooting guns and taking yoga on the same day was the biggest “You got chocolate in my peanut butter!” moment I’ve had so far in my life. Guns and yoga are French fries dipped in a milkshake. Scotch and ginger ale. Elvis Costello’s “This Year’s Model” after a bad breakup. Reruns of “Law and Order” and having no life: they’re good together.

You shoot better when you realize that your soul is a leaf falling through time, and that work shouldn’t equal struggle. And yoga never aligns you with the universe better than when your forearm is still tingling from the buck and recoil of a .357 bullpup.

Someone needs to open a combination shooting range and yoga studio. I’m serious. Maybe I should do it. Hose off a few clips of Glaser safety slugs, then see how deep you can go into Warrior II. The murder rate would go down. No, wait — it would stay the same, but people would realize it’s all part of a bigger plan. Or, no, it would go up, because people would realize the transitory nature of existence, and that everything that has happened or is going to happen is always happening someplace forever, so why not put a slug in that dude’s head who won’t stop talking during “300”?

The people I took the introductory gun course with were an interesting bunch: two guys hoping to become armed security guards, an indie-music-store-looking black guy, a dad and his two teenage sons and a guy who claimed to be an actor researching a role. Did they know a neophyte yogi sat among them, counting his inhalations and trying to make his exhalations take twice as long?

Meanwhile, I was the only guy in the yoga class. In fact, I was the only non-soccer mom in the yoga class. Did they know they had a rifle-eyed street panther in their midst?

Probably not. In yoga, you’re supposed to go at your own pace and focus on your breathing. So no one saw me flopping my doughnut belly and Internet butt around like a wino when I was trying to do Bridge Pose, or Happy Baby or Slightly Superior Suburbanite. Like the legless, armless silhouette I shot at earlier that day, I had holes of self-loathing blasted out of me. My Corpse Pose must’ve looked eerily authentic.

All these thoughts whizzed through my head like tracer bullets as I lay there, in the evening gloom of the studio, with a dozen moms breathing mom-breaths around me. I floated out of my body. I hovered over Burbank. I was one with my target, and my target was bliss.

Namaste. Lock and load.

Patton Oswalt is a writer and comedian. He performs the voice of Remy, the lead rat, in “Ratatouille,” an animated film scheduled for release this summer.

Two Cats In the Yard, Life Used to Be So Hard

2007-03-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Quick note to say that I’m gonna be crazy busy this week, so nothing new will probably be coming from me any time soon. I’ve got a full work week, plus doctors appointments, my weekly class and homework assignment, finishing up my taxes (yeah, yeah, I know).

AND...

In very exciting news, I am moving into my new apartment this week. It’s been a long time coming, but it’s finally going to happen. I’m pretty stoked, as the kids on the snowboards like to say.

AND…

Saturday is my birthday. So, you know, hooray for that.

I’ll post more when I can – for now, I’ve got a crazy week ahead of me. And it just started this morning at the dentist’s office, where I got drilled for cavities with no Novocaine. No, I’m not kidding. I’m on some James Frey Million Little Pieces type shit.

Please bear with me, and please tip your waiters. You’re a beautiful crowd.

Sincerely,
The Management

PS – Now here it is, your moment of Zen. I mean, Penn. (Click) AKA “Mr. Spicoli goes to Washington.”

Like Sunday Morning

2007-03-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's just a little too easy. You know?

[Insert Bright Eyes Lyrics Here]

2007-03-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

Good grief, my drooges.

As old Uncle Lou once said:
I am tired, I am weary.
I could sleep for a thousand years.

Unfortunately, no pocky for kitty on that front. Snoop jobby job's got one more day in store for me.

As I type this, on the verge of passing out, a thought occurs to me: when I started this blog, I promised I'd share salsa recipes and love letters to Ann Coulter with the world. Well, truth be told, I have no recipes, and Ann, she walks in beauty like the night, but she defies all words, to say the very least.

But here is one recipe I do know, for certain.

Recipe for a Shitty Day
- 1 writing assignment that you've worked on all week but can't seem to get the hang of
- 3 hours of sleep (use organic insomnia if you have it in the house)
- 1 looooong work day
- no dinner
- 3 hours of class (directly following the aforementioned work day)
- a group reading of the aforementioned writing assignment in the aforementioned class
- the realization that you have grossly misunderstood the assignment
- your teacher euthanizing your writing assignment before its group reading is completed
- having to take notes from your class on your incorrect assignment that was not fully read aloud
- 1 rainy, humid night
- 1 piece of pizza
- 1 long train ride and walk home

The recipe above feeds one person.

Wowee. It all looks so beautiful when you lay it out together like that. I am beyond ready to cash in for the night.

Methinks I shall listen to my newly acquired Ted Leo album, wherein Sir Leo performs a rollicking cover of the Chumbawamba anthem "Rappoport's Testament: I Never Gave In."

I think for every minute you listen to that song, you won't live any longer for it, but you'll at least enjoy that minute. Sounds good enough to me.

Stay gold,
Ponyboy

Update - I knew I'd turn that frown upside down: I just looked at the title of this entry and remembered with a smile that my blog pages are searchable on the Internets. Which means that this site will soon be flooded with teenage girls and emo boys who look like teenage girls in search of Bright Eyes lyrics. And instead, they'll find this stupid site. Oh, the humanity. It's glorious.

And you know what the good book says: "Every time a Bright Eyes fan clicks the wrong URL, an angel gets its wings."

Now I'm ready to turn in for the evening. :)

Well, That Makes (N)One of Us

2007-03-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

Georgie boy was quoted in the Washington Times this morning, talking about how he's blazing a path for the Republican party to reclaim the house, senate, intergalactic star fleet and rebuild the Death Star.

My favorite part:
"I'm optimistic about this country. You've got to know something about your president: I am some kind of optimistic about where we're headed."

Some kind of optimistic. Shitty grammar aside (and one must always cast that aside with our Decider), wasn't that the name of a John Hughes film from the 80's?

Who am I kidding. Our whole country has turned into one big John Hughes film.

But if that's the case, where is John Bender? Where is the (anti) hero of our film? We need a beguiling, mischievous hooligan to kick us in the ass and hold the mirror up to expose our country's vanity, elitism, insecurity, neurosis and hypocrisy.

Or at least so we can bum some doobage.

And yes, I did just imply that the characters in the Breakfast club are some kind of microcosm for the stereotypes of American society. But I ain't the first to do it, and I sure as shit ain't gonna be the last.

Does Anyone Remember Laughter?

2007-03-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

Soon... I will be one of them.

The Upright Citizens Brigade, that is. You know... these guys:

Yes, yes, yes my minions. Tomorrow is my first class at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater. I'm extremely excited!!!!

It's a sketch writing class (click HERE to learn more about it), so I'll be learning how to write a scene like you'd see on Saturday Night Live (except funnier, I hope) or Mr. Show (except no way that funny) or maybe like the Kids in the Hall (but less Canadian). Maybe like the State (but without all that "I wanna dip my balls in it" nonsense).

Who knows.

Maybe it'll be something different altogether. Maybe I'll get there and it will really just be an elaborate trick to get me to teach an ESL class to Mexican immigrants. Hell, that could be pretty funny actually! I hope it's as least as funny as that.

I wonder if I'll start having that dream where you go to class and suddenly you're naked and everyone's staring at you?

Hmm. That would be a funny way to start the class...

But probably just for me.

And actually, not really even that. I haven't been to the gym in a while.

The Axis of Evil Just Got A Little Bigger...

2007-03-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ladies and germs, it happened.

I still can't believe it.

I'm still kind of reeling, to be very honest...

I think I may have found... oh god, this is hard...

I think I may have found a blog that is EVEN MORE USELESS than this one.

There, I said it. Oh, it hurts.

Despite my best efforts to bring you the most microscopic modicum of entertainment, "information" or opinion... somebody went and did something even more amazing.

I present to you, without further delay: Stop Peter, Bjorn and John

Wait, what's that? You don't know who Peter, Bjorn and John are? Well, that puts you on par with about 99% of the rest of the world. Please allow me to explain a bit.

Peter, Bjorn and John (or PB&J, for short) are a Swedish rock band that was recently "discovered" on the internets and has been gaining some recent notoriety in the "indie scene." What I mean by that is, somehow, they've been endorsed by that upper echelon of indie trendsetters as the next coming of the messiah (I'm looking at you, Arcade Fire). It's that moment where, for a few minutes, a band gets overwhelmingly and astonishingly adored beyond anyone's possible imagination, and certainly beyond the boundaries of reality. What this equates to is guaranteed sellout concerts when the band plays in New York City and a prominent position at the Austin, Texas festival South By Southwest.

And that's about it.

I'm sure the band, like so many others before it, will be mostly forgotten soon enough and then will have to rejoin the ranks of the proletariat bands again.

BUT WAIT.

Suddenly, a voice cries out in the darkness. This, it howls, this I WILL NOT ABIDE.

And so, a blog is born.

Yes, the above mentioned blog's sole purpose is to diffuse any and all publicity generated for PB&J, because... well, I don't quite know why. But this dude is intent on making sure they do not become popular for some reason. He really, really means it.

I guess I'll have to find some new way to be useless, because this dude takes the cake. He takes the cake, opens a newspaper to an article about the Iraq war and says, "I have to stop a Swedish indie band from becoming popular today!"

Or what? What is going to happen, exactly? I'm all ears.

(By the way, PB&J is a decently talented band, who sound somewhat like a cross between Superchunk and the Strokes.)

THESE MEN MUST BE STOPPED (Look how dangerous looking they are!)

You Might Be a Douchebag If...

2007-03-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

So, dilemma:

You want to look cool, but the trouble is, how?

Tattoos are great, and although still associated with masculinity, even girls and emo kids can get them nowadays. You'd love to get a whole gaggle of tattoos, but who has the time? And what if you want to get a real job some day? Or what if you already have one? Man, if only there was some other way...

Well look out world! Here is the solution, available to you in one easy $80 credit card transaction!

Introducing SLEEVES, Inc.!

It's a t-shirt company that makes shirts for the aspiring badass, that allow you to have full sleeve tattoos on your arms, without all those needles, the bleeding or the ever-present threat of hepotitis! Check out the goods, bro-hymn! (Notice that peculiar line where the tattoos stop? Interesting.)

I mean, wow. Why not just grow a pair and get some real ink? This is the lamest thing I have ever heard of, and I used to listen to Shelter.

Dudes, if you get this shirt, even your mom is going to make fun of you. And she'd be doing you a favor if she did.

Oh, and ladies, you didn't think it was just for the fellas, did you? Helllllllls no. Check this shit out:

Soooooo attractive.

I Call My Brother "Sun" Cuz He Shine Like One

2007-03-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hey!

What are you doing on a computer? It's beautiful outside.

Why not go out and take a walk?
Ride a bike?
Soak up some rays?

The sun is shining, get off the internet!

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

2007-03-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

Today, I was sitting in a 2 hour meeting and I thought to myself:

"I wonder if anyone else here listened to Black Flag on the way to work today?"

Hmm. Probably not.

In fact, I'd be surprised if any of my coworkers have even heard of Black Flag. Pleasantly surprised, I might add. They're all much too nice though.

I really like the people I work with.

Hehe. I didn't think I'd ever say that again in my life.

Rise above,
D'Artagnan

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

2007-03-05T07:10:00.000-08:00

Wow, "Zodiac" is an amazing film. Check it out ASAP.

A quick head's up: You might want to wear an adult diaper. There are some downright creepy scenes in this flick. I know this site reaches people of all demographics, so maybe you already wear one anyway. In that case, just keep it real.

Time Out New York called it the first film since "Silence of the Lambs" that actually feels like it was written by a serial killer.

Good times!

Patton Oswalt, I Adore You

2007-02-27T10:12:00.000-08:00

Yes, my minions, I've been away for a while again. Sue me, I got a new job and although it's great, it's making me very tired. And when I'm tired, more typing is the last thing on my mind.

At any rate, let it never be said that I don't love you.

To prove it, I'm going to introduce you to one of my favorite things in the whole galaxy: the comic mind of Patton Oswalt. This man is wonderful. He can make me laugh at so many different things, in so many ways, I'm continually astounded at his talent. Whether he's ranting about the various ineptitudes of the Bush administration, or about how pouring water on a midget turns them into Sleepy-Time tea, he really is a delight. So, I've borrowed the below post from his own blog, just to help spread the gospel.

You can check out more about Patton HERE (if he ever gets his site up and running again).

Or HERE, you can be his Myspace friend.

Without any further ado, Enjoy!

UN-EDITED GIANT MAGAZINE RANT

I wrote this for -- what issue was it? Well, I wrote it for GIANT Magazine last year. Or maybe late in 2005. Now I can't remember.They made me re-write it and, in the processm, de-fanged it.

Here's what I originally turned in:

Nothing Like That First Cup of Coffee at 2:17 p.m.
or
Why the Republicans Are Winning

I know it's cultural suicide for me to admit I can't stand the noise anymore. I have friends within kissing distance of their mid-40's who've decided, out of personal desperation and a childish fear of death, that they're 22 years old FOREVER. They want the music loud. They want the conversation shouted. And they want the silent moments, when they're alone with their thoughts, kept at bay.

Idiots. I can't wait to be an old man. I am an old man. Forty years ahead of my time. I'm in revolt against my own youth, because I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear the inane half-conversations on people's cell phones. I don't want to hear the inane full conversations when the dimwits get together. Strung-together catch phrases and punchlines from TV shows and movies. God bless the iPod. It'd be fine if people knew how to talk on cell phones at a conversational level. Or if people knew how to have conversations anymore. People scream when they talk. They bray and whine and bark as if there's a boom mike recording their every word, and a hidden camera capturing the amazing Indie Film That Is Their Lives.

And no, you smug dumbass, I'm not anti-cell phone, or anti-Starbucks or anti-anything you're "anti" about 'cuz you heard Cameron Diaz bitching about it on MTV. I like technology, progress and convenience. And so do you. Please get over the Myth of Yourselves, hipsters, 'cause no one's writing your biography.

I can't tell you how many friends I have who "apologize" for having a cell phone or "over-explain" all of the internet time they log in. Guess what? No one cares. You're not that interesting or unique. You're not the cultural touchstone for anything. Stop over-thinking every vintage concert T-shirt you wear, or wondering what kind of "statement" you make if you wear Nike ACG's or Chuck Taylors. We're a generation of narcissists, and no one's paying any attention to you." I know what you're thinking. Yeah. Heh. Me – with a cell phone!" Yeah, dude, we're really through the looking glass now.

Or how about this gem: "Oh yeah, I mean, I only saw it to remind me how crappy Hollywood movies are. I mean, I went with a bunch of friends, and we were all on e." Thank God! I thought the sun my universe orbited around had sold out, maaaaaaaaaan. "Well, I watch the O.C. 'cause it's…" Everyone, all together now: "…so bad it's good!' William S. Burroughs on a biscuit, you're blowing my mind with the paradoxes!

Stop defending your integrity. You didn't have it to begin with. Selling out is the new street cred, anyway.

How did the Republicans pull it off? Oh wait, they didn't. We fumbled it.

In the early 90's, the non-chain coffeeshop was a den of revolutionaries. Or, at least, people with revolution on their mind. People would sit, fueling themselves on paint thinner java – writing, reading, getting informed, getting active, getting focused to get rid of George I.

Okay, maybe I'm looking back through rose-colored glasses. Come to think of it, I literally am, since I'm writing this in my Dame Edna costume.

I had the misfortune, last month, to kill a Sunday in the Abbott's Habit coffeeshop in Venice, California. Never again. The counterculture's in permanent red shift. Double-chinned ex-heroin addicts, balding hipsters and saggy-armed ex-rave chicks ("flappers", now that I think of it) sitting around, scowling at the "Calendar" section of the L.A. Times. Sneering at how bad TV and movies and music and President Hilton are. Checking their e-mail and seeing if anything's been updated on salon.com. Doing the Big Disdain.

Know what the Enemy's been doing? They've been awake since 8am, pumping away on the treadmill and taking Krav Maga classes and not being hungover and getting ready to carve up the world for themselves.

The Republicans stole rock 'n' roll and outsider status. Now they've seized the entire goddamn day right out from under us, The Too Cool to Care. We're doomed.

Here's a scene from a screenplay I'm finishing up right before I blow my brains out:

INT.
– HI-TECH PENTHOUSE - IRVINE, CA
– MORNING A sweaty, toned REPUBLICAN DOUCHE-NOZZLE is on his cell phone.

We split screen, and he's talking to a BLOND CONSERVATIVE TWAT.

REPUBLICAN DOUCHE-NOZZLE: Hey Cindy, it's 6:30 a.m. Just hopped off the elliptical trainer. Let's get some egg white omelets and buckwheat pancakes before we continue ruining everything for everyone!

CONSERVATIVE TWAT: I hate fags!

CUT TO:
INT. – SHITHOLE APARTMENT
– SILVERLAKE, CA
– DUSK

A 41 year-old pretending he's still a 23 year-old skateboarder is sprawled on a second-hand couch, talking on a cell phone which he almost never uses 'cuz people who own cell phones are assholes. Old copies of the L.A. Weekly are piled on a T.V., which he watches constantly to remind himself what a lame-o wasteland TV is, especially shows like Jerry Springer, The O'Reilly Factor, According to Jim and The Simple Life, which he and his friends can't believe get such huge ratings.

PATHETIC 41 YEAR-OLD: Hey man, you up?

SPLIT SCREEN with an EVEN MORE PATHETIC 39 YEAR-OLD, in his equally crappy Los Feliz apartment. The 39 Year-Old is currently finishing up a lengthy myspace.com blog entry (his 11th) about how lame Paris Hilton is. He wears, in a really cool ironic way, a faded Journey concert T-shirt which cost $85.

39 YEAR-OLD: Uh, yeah.

41 YEAR-OLD: Same shit, different day, huh?

39 YEAR-OLD: (with brilliant, self-mocking cynicism) That's hot.

41 YEAR-OLD: Gotta make this quick before my piece-of-crap cell phone gives me brain cancer.

39 YEAR-OLD: Did you read that thing in The Baffler about how Cheney and Halliburton own a huge stake in the MRI industry, which gives them a direct incentive to keep cell phones on the market and give people brain cancer?

41 YEAR-OLD: A friend of my brother read it and told him about it and he told me.

39 YEAR-OLD: Fuckin' idiots out there.

41 YEAR-OLD: Fuckin' sheeple.

39 YEAR-OLD: You know what we should do? Let's do the mall, check out some of the sheeple, and then go see Monster-in-Law, to reinforce how lame and hollow Hollywood is.

41 YEAR-OLD: Sounds like a plan. Did you Tivo that re-run of Saturday Night Lame last night?

39 YEAR-OLD: Ashlee Simpson's a moron.

CUT TO:

Mel Gibson being elected Pope.

UPDATE: Here is an amazing picture of Patton and Ms. Florence Henderson, aka Mrs. Brady. This picture is pretty sunny, as in sexy and funny. Look at Patton in his cardy!? Look at Mrs. B in her silver pants!? This is outstanding work on behalf of both artists.

Luca Brazzi Sleeps With the Fishes

2007-02-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

I may not have mentioned this before, but my bedroom does not receive any sunlight (there's a joke there somewhere, but I'm too tired). I have a window, so I can get fresh air in the room when I want to, but the window faces and interior sort of courtyard (but imagine the least fancy courtyard possible). I'm on the ground floor, so there is hardly ever any light visible through that window.

As a result, I tend to sleep very late, unless I set my alarm, because at all times, it feels like the middle of the night, unless I have a light on or I open my bedroom door. Otherwise, it's eternal midnight.

Case in point, today, I slept until 2:00pm. 2:00pm!!!! I wasn't even up that late last night. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't suffering from insomnia (for a change). Nothing. But, every time I woke up this morning - and I did wake up a few times, by the way - it was so dark in my room, I just passed out again.

And now, half of my day is gone. Awesome.

I guess I gotta start setting my alarm on the weekends. Otherwise, I could miss half my life!